Foo

TW  mentions of sh/ dark thoughts 
          
          I’m not comfortable in my own skin. It feels like a body suit that’s made out of the scratchiest wool and has no zipper. It feels like tiny needles pierce my skin every time I walk out in public and it’s so hot but no mater how much I scratch and pick and try to claw my way out it never works. But the angry red lines it leaves behind just shows how deep I really am and how I might never be able to escape the prison I made for myself. I don’t cry for help bc I think no one will hear me. I don’t cry for help bc I think there’s nothing left to save. The longer I stay here the louder I can hear the timer on the wall run out. My times almost up. I don’t know when and I don’t no where or how I’m gonna do it. But I know I will. Im not afraid of what comes next and I’m not ashamed to say I lost the fight bc I don’t see it that way. I see it as I was just born at the wrong time in the wrong place with the wrong ppl. I wish I could look in the mirror and be proud of what I see. I wish I could look in the mirror at all. I just want to be a little proud of smthn I did or who I am for once. Even if it’s just for a day. 

TW: sewerslide thoughts/ mentions of sh/ strong language
          
          I can’t even get up anymore w/out promising to c*t in the school bathroom or the shower just to get some stress relief. I can’t even get the slightest bit excited w/out promising to hurt myself. Every morning when I wake up like clock work the thoughts will flood into my head. Every morning I realize I can’t keep doing like this. I’m not even living anymore, I’m breathing and I’m eating I’m barley sleeping but it feels like I’m asleep all the time, but not rlly living. It feels like there’s a clown in my head that shits in between my thoughts. And that shit attracts grotesque and vile bugs that wrap themselves arnd my thoughts and whispers the most dehumanizing things abt me. I try to muffle them out w music and books. But those r just temporary outlets. When the music stops or the book ends they’re always there waiting. Anxiety grabs me by the throat holding me in place while depression holds my feet and drags me down. It’s tearing me apart on the inside just to throw on a fake smile. Ik my family sees how I’m suffering. Bc they talk abt me. They say how they’re worried abt me and how I don’t act like the rest of my family who r confident and comfortable in their own skin. I flaunt my scares like a flag to my religion cuz I was never told y it was so bad to hate urself in the first place. I wish I could just go one day w/out having these horrible thoughts of suffering. Just one day. 

I hate it when my family fights. My older sister is over dramatic and thinks everyone’s out to get her while my mom can’t let things go or just try to understand y someone is angry so she gets angry at them for it I don’t want to end up like them and I hate fighting w my family so I try to stay out of the way but since they got used to me being quite I can’t stand up for my self or get mad or do anything for myself w/out ppl thinking I have a problem. New Years was fun but I wish I didn’t have to rely on drugs to make it that way. 
          
          
          Oh by the way Happy New Years
          Hope everyone had fun  

I think imma use this space as a diary so the like 10 ppl that follow me can just ignore these or read em I don’t rlly care 

I like your reading list. It has nice books