rat

I DELETED THIS IN NOVEMBER???? Jesus Christ guys it has been a long time 
          I've been here maybe twice after???? I figure I'll give a life update.
          Basically being a junior SUCKS, it is so full of work and so stressful. The past couple weeks have been the most stressful and emotional I've had in a while. Um we had to put one of my dogs down and it's only now starting to hit me. I got certified to be a lifeguard AND got a job as a lifeguard!!!! Yay I get money!!!! I got my very first perfume it smells like peach and I'm so happy. I danced with raspberry at a dance (we are basically wlw mlm solidarity now yippee.) other stuff happened like beginning of January with raspberry but it's all over now and everything is chill. 
          I've gotten really into crocheting, I've made lots of amazing things. I redesigned my spidersona, made a ton of new ocs, and starsted playing Minecraft again.
          I wrote a 2000 word speech in two days. I wrote 3000 words of my 5000 word thesis in one night. Never doing that again.
          I also got to dance onstage for a concert, it was swing dance (lindy hop to be specific) and it was SICK. 
          I'm going to play Hope Harcourt in anything goes. I had the biggest yap session with my best friend (Austin Jade I see you ) and watched the new Digital Circus episode.
          Anyways only several weeks of school left. I got a prom dress today. Things are starting to look up.
          Anyways goodbye, I will see you guys later!!!

I'm gonna delete the app soon!
          I love you guys, please take care <33

hiiii how have you been

Yk when you see a message on the unsent project and you just KNOW that one was meant for you. You can just tell but you can't prove it.
          Sent yesterday, apologizing for how they ended it, saying they should have thanked me for being so understanding 
          That's such a RASPBERRY thing to say bro. I'm like positive that's who sent it man.
          I sent one in reply, hope it gets posted and hope she sees it
          I miss her 

My speech went as well as it could do that's neat :) 
          I still have a lot to do, I will get NO REST this weekend and I have no time for homework. RIP 

I want to get blackout drunk and tell you everything I feel. How mad and madly in love I am at you. 
          God, I'm sorry 

Let's write a speech I forgot to write that I'm presenting tomrorow and probably gonna fuck up so bad 
          I'm failing at everything bro 

Of course I know he's more beautiful than the Aurora Borealis. But how come YOU get to tell him so.
          why can't I just be happy for them. All I feel is SHITTY because I can't have that. I feel like a selfish brat because I want to be able to talk to her like that. Those words are supposed to be MINE to say. And I fucking lost it. 
          AUUUUUGHHHHHHH 
          I miss him. I miss him. I love him and I can't even say it. FUCKKKKKK 
          Im supposed to be happy. But god I am burning with nothing but jealousy. Why couldn't I get the situation that he has? Knowing he likes me and STILL being able to flirt and show affection. WHY COULDNT IT HAVE ENDED LIKE THAT. WHY CANT I HAVE IT. IT DOESNT FEEL FAIR 
          AND I SOUND SELFISH BUT I DONT CARE ANYMORE I JUST WANT THEM BACK PLEASE GOD PLEASE SEND ME BACK LET ME CHANGE IT LET ME HAVE JUST ONE MORE CHANCE I KNOW WHAT TO SAY NOW 
          PLEASE I HAVE ONLY A COUPLE YEARS LEFT TILL GRADUATION  WJY CANT I SPEND THEM WOTH THE ONLY PERSON I WANT TO SPEND THEM WITH. FUCK.
          FUCK. 

The lights in the sky are beautiful 

It just isn't fair.
          It took me forever to get a good healthy connection with raspberry again once she said she couldn't do it. And even now we still have problems.
          But she was able to stop what was going on with the new person (WHICH ONLY TOOK HER LIKE A WEEK TO FIGURE OUT WAS HAPPENING, THANKS TO ME AND MY OTHER FRIEND. WITH ME IT WAS MONTHS.) but they're somehow allowed to keep up their silly flirty banter with her. It's not fair. I had to sit in my room isolated and sobbing and wising I would fall asleep for months while I had to give her space. I had to avoid her in the mornings. I had to apologize for acting shitty and negative when she didn't even care to ask WHY. I have spent months in grueling heartbreak, trying my fucking hardest to get our relationship back on track, even without the her requited love. And even today. I can't flirt, or tell her how much I love and admire her without it sounding wrong. And I almost, ALMOST got a second chance at it. But I guess I wasn't kind enough or loving enough to convince her I did still like her. 
          But SOMEHOW. Some completely new person notorious for changing crushed every TWO WEEKS, who has ONLY LIKED HER FOR A WEEK. Somehow they get to tell her all these things and be around her physically and she won't need me anymore. 
          I've lost it all, haven't I. Just once again I lost it. Fuck me. Fuck everything. It's not fair. 
          Why me? Why did she have to tell me? Out of everyone why did it have to be me?
          Of course I want to be happy for her. That she's made this connection and able to pursue it, and I am. But it's not fair. I want to call her a cute nerd and send her images she'll laugh at all night. I want to partner with her in P.E. Or hug her so tight every day. 
          I don't get that, and I never got that after whatever the fuck happened with us. 
          Way to go me.