Hannah

content warning : death
          
          another sad-ish annoucement
          
          
          so my nan died back in november and her funeral was early december.
          
          we were close, and for most of lockdown she was in a care home since my grandad couldnt physically look after anymore.   
          
          a few years ago she had a nasty fall and was in the hospital for months, and it was bad, my family joked that the only reason she came back home is because she was so stubborn, and yeah it was true. she was a stubborn bitch half the time. 
          
          and i dont think that ive really processed it properly. my dad, her son, is "pretty pragmatic about this stuff" and had to ask his nan she wanted to be resucitated if she was close during a surgery and she said that she didnt want to fight anymore, so we lost her to bowel cancer, but  i didnt know her well and it didnt affect me since i was so young
          
          when my great nan and great uncle died, my dad said he didnt understand why i got so emotional since we werent close with them and hadnt seen them in years. i did get his logic, but they were the first two deaths in my family that i could understand.  
          
          he also repeatedly brings up, when we were talking about why he was so pragmatic and shit, that he had to watch his best mate carry his infant son's body to his funeral. and yes thats terrible and no-one should have to go through that. 
          
          
          yeah, i dont think that anyone in my family processes death healithly.
          and that bs has been passed down to me, when i found out i broke down into tears and reasonably wasnt alright for a week or so. i guess i thought that post funeral, the time for grieving was over and that i should get back to normal, but now - a month later- its all coming back up. 
          i dont think that sorting out the office this weekend and seeing pictures of her helped at all.
          
          so yeah, another venty post

ok i dont do this often, but this fic is literally amazing.
          
          i found out about it 4 hours ago and have been reading it on and off since then.
          
          its 50 chapters long and over 150k words long
          
          screw the transphobic bigoted joke the is jkr
          
          this fic is amazing. 
          
          its from 2009 and is about harry somehow going through the veil at 23 and being sent back 12 years in time. he basically gets to re-live his Hogwarts years and saves lives. 
          
          its hilarious and i love it
          
          
          https://archiveofourown.org/works/4701869/chapters/10736366

Justice for George Floyd
          Justice for Tony McDade
          Black lives matter
          1312

Thank you @LornaNaylor for messaging me a while ago.  Honestly, Wattpad is kind of a venty place for me. I don't feel like I can talk to my parents or friends about this and just posting it to where only strangers in the internet will see it, it kind of helps. My instagram, my tumblr, my  tiktok all have different but much more happy  vibes. Thank you @LornaNaylor , seriously.  Thank you also @seokids , for what you wrote back in January. I appreciate both of you taking the time and effort.

Is it bad that I have been debating self harming for a year, and dealing with thinking about just jumping out of my bedroom window? My bedroom is the the third story of my house. I know that lockdown won't help my mental state, whatever my mental state is at the moment. 
          
          But I've just been thinking about getting the blade from a sharpener and punishing myself for what and who I am. One of the few reasons I have against cutting is that my parents or sibling will see, either the scars, the blood, the plasters or that I would then be hiding my arms and they would notice that something is wrong. The other is that if I die, my misery would only be passed onto others, and I don't want to burden them with grief and a funeral to plan, even though me being alive is a burden in itself.
          
          I don't want to

A different kind of announcement, but can anyone reccomend a book like Daughter of the Shield by @writingthisandthat ?

Thank you @seokids.

Happy New Years! I hope 2020 will be great to you, you deserve it ❤️

What's the point? Seriously if anyone can answer me, I would be grateful.

Yay!! in nearly a month since my first concerning announcement ( first out of four), I have gotten exactly zero responses from anyone including four of my close friends! And to anyone who might be wondering, this is not some scheme to get more attention.