C3LLY

i feel weird.
          
          i cant exactly pinpoint what it is, though.
          
          my vision is blurry and i swear im seeing stars but at the same time im not
          shaking
          my movement became sluggish for no reason.
          
          i feel like someone's puppet and im just being tugged by strings.
          whats wrong with me.
          
          ...
          
          my grandma called me a disappointment today.
          straight to my face.
          "Me and your mom think you're lazy, you should work harder!"
          ha.
          haha.
          hahaha.
          how funny.
          i'd like to see you lose your best friend and go to school during the most depressive episode of your entire life.
          i really thought
          i really thought that i could trust my mom.
          how foolish.
          hhah.
          
          i feel like vomiting but i have nothing to throw up.
          that pit in my stomach refuses to go away.
          im scared i wont be able to fake it for much longer.
          
          thats okay.
          ill leave.
          ill go.
          if that means dying, then thats okay.
          my parents literally hate me, so whatever.
          i dont care anymore.
          
          ...
          
          its funny, really.
          nobody would know that i was struggling so much if this account didnt exist.
          and even if i still keep some of my struggle hidden.
          its sensitive to all of us. 
          
          yeah.
          
          ...
          
          i dont want to do anything drastic.
          i dont
          i dont want that
          i dont want to hurt you i cant hurt you
          i
          i think im hurting too much
          how do i make it stop
          please
          its too much how do i make it stip
          plesae
          
          im so sorry

@YourAverag3Writer
          Heya celly!! I hope yur doin alr. Did yu eat breakfast?

@YourAverag3Writer
          
          How has today been so far? I hope yur eating well. Are ya feeling ok? I hope yu had an amazing morning. Lova ya celly ^^

@YourAverag3Writer
          
          Hru today? 
          Are you eating alr? I hope your having a skibiditastic day!!! Love ya lots/p I hope your feelin ok <3

i desire to have someone in my life that asks me how my day is almost everyday without feeling like a chore. someone who asks me how ive been eating, how im feeling, how okay i am, and i feel like i dont have to lie. someone who can hug me tight and i can cry into their shoulder because i feel safe around that person. someone who would listen to my problems, give me comfort, keep me away from the blade with gentleness and not aggression, not threats to take away everything keeping me here if i cvt. i wish i had someone who would calm that uneasy pit in my stomach and keep my heart from racing like it does when im alone.
          
          i wish i had someone in my life that would make me happy to live. happy to go to school, happy to be passionate about what im good at, and never berate me for my choices and emotions. i wish i had someone that could end the bullying, that could make administration act up and stop it all. i wish i had someone that would just.
          help.
          in any way.
          i just need- 
          I just need someone to help me. 
          
          Ill never admit that to the public
          ill never ever burden someone like that
          the people that even have a chance of that have ruined even the thought of that
          i
          why cant someone help. why do people think their idea of help magically fixes everything in one day and ill be that happy little g̶i̶r̶l that i will always be because god forbid someone can be struggling.
          
          because why not abuse someone's emotional state while they're going through an extremely major depressive episode? lets just mock the kid who doesn't eat for the fvck of it, lets just ignore the preferred pronouns s̶h̶e has clearly told us because s̶h̶e̶ doesnt have valid feelings!! s̶h̶e̶'s just some idiot who finds comfort in solitude, so lets invade h̶e̶r̶ personal space and make h̶e̶r̶ overstimulated! 
          
          never what i identify as
          never not a slur
          NEVER SOMEONE WHO MEANS ANYTHING, RIGHT?
          BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I'LL EVER FUCKING BE.
          JUST SOME GIRL WHO'S "gOiNg ThRoUgH a PhAsE"
          NEVER THE BOY. NEVER A PERSON.
          WHY.

im so happy your alive

@JusttPizzaStar

@YourAverag3Writer
          
          I think i know what you are writing. Idk how much I can impact you, but you are pretty much my closest friend on here. So many of us here care abt yu, and many more probably on discord. cel yu are the best thing that ever happened to me on here. i found a whole freaking friend group on WATTPAD bcuz of yu. i love our friendship, i love yur story, i love yur art, i love everything abt yu. everyone yu are writing too is another reason yu should stay. I care abt yu cel

hahahaahahhahaha working on my goodbyeletters and trying to figure out how to make this small fuck fuck fuck why do people have to care
          
          hahah.
          
          sorry.
          
          fucking hell.

I started shaking because I got a notification that their birthday was tmrw, as I marked it into my calendar 
          
          GOODNESS I WASNT EXPECTING THAT 
          
          SSNSHSHHXJWJCHSJCNHDNDNJJSJD
          
          idek if the date is correct bc I saw it mentioned in a conversation I wasn't in
          
          ffffffuuuucccccccckkkkkkk
          
          AHSHAHHSHABSBSBS I WAS HAVING SUCH A NICE DAY FUCKING HELL