Hobbit47

This is really good! I like it already! You might think about re-writing the 2nd paragraph, and the place with the fainting, in a way that's easier to follow but other than that I really like it! Um if you still want to you could critic my stuff I would appreciate it. (: There are 3 poems, you can read any or all that you would like! > back to your story > I know that was just the first chapter but I would definitely put some more details into your next one, for example, how he looks, other characters, the characters names... So yeah, I wish you good luck, and I can't wait to read more (:

ozegovichb

You really need to proof read, It took me re-reading alot of the first paragraph to understand it.   Secondly.) IF your going to add in parts that are in parentheses () then you should add it into the story. You had one part about the type of fainting she was doing for this guy but you never actually told us her version of it.  thirdly.) I know nothing about these characters...what is her name? his name? how she looks? how he looks? It just starts as dance class. try adding more details and more conversations.  fourthly.) Use emotions, put yourself in these peoples' shoes and show the emotional side of it. Everything went by so fast that I'm not sure if she loves him or hates him.  Not sure where this story is going either, so try adding more into the description because that is what people look at before reading a book
          
          
          here is your review, it wont let me post it on the book