There was a guy in my Small Animal Care class back in high school who would always ask questions about my asexuality in a condescending tone. You know the ones. "How do you KNOW you're asexual if you've never had sex?" "Are you suuure you just haven't met the one yet?" "How can you be dating (insert my partner's name here) without sex?" "So you're just... fine with being a virgin forever?" Almost every day, I was interviewed on what I do with my parts.
His favorite of the questions was, "How can you be so sure you're asexual if you haven't had sex?"
One day, I had enough.
Without thinking, I yelled, "HAVE YOU EVER SUCKED A DICK, MIKE??" I've never seen any person so shocked, like he'd just been told something that would forever change his trajectory of life.
"W-what??"
"HAVE YOU EVER HAD HOMOSEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH A MALE?"
"N-no!"
"How can you be sUUURE you're straight then? HUH MIKE??"
Stammering, he repeatedly insisted it was because he felt such a strong attraction to ladies that there was no possible way he could be gay. Every single time, I asked him again how he was so sure. Struggling not to laugh, my friend was trying to get me to lower my voice.
"LOOK, MIKE, NOW THE CHICKENS ARE SCARED. YOU MADE ME SCARE THE CHICKENS. GET BACK TO ME WHEN YOU'VE SUCKED A DICK, M I C H A E L."
Naturally, I got in trouble, but my teacher was chill, and it was nothing more than a good scolding and a two-week ban from sitting with the chickens.
For the remaining two months that we shared class together, he never asked me how I could be so confidently asexual. Maybe he learned something that day. Maybe he was scared of incurring my wrath once again. We may never know. I still haven't gotten any word that he's sucked a dick yet, though.
