I told someone I never thought a friendship would end with that I have abandonment issues, and they died.
I made new friends, had fun, hurt one of them without knowing, and instead of explaining, they left, I apologised and felt shitty after because I never knew I hurt them. So everything's fine for a few weeks, I make one mistake, and they leave again, I feel shitty know it's my fault, but I don't know what's wrong.
A month or so later, another friend joins. Everything's fine, but my mental state, several times did they think I'd kill myself. They waited so long to tell me this and how they felt before leaving, so at least I knew what to change but they waited so long and in that time could've told me the truth. They come back a few weeks later, I thought I was ready but nope, a few days later I join back and I think everything's fine, they're not talking as much but it's fine.
Idk what them and another friend planned, but ignoring me sucks, so now I'm choosing to be alone, choosing to ignore them, choosing to accept that I was better alone.
And I never told anyone but the one who died that I have abandonment issues. Here's why
I like waiting til i know they'll stick around, I waited 2 years before telling said friend that I have those issues, they understood, it's not their fault they died, I only knew those people a few months and as much as I'd loved to tell them, I wanted to wait, glad I did.
Another reason is that telling people you have those issues is hard because it feels manipulative, like "don't leave or ill do something bad," but I won't do anything bad, I'll try and salvage the friendship, even if it hurts and I cry trying to
But when there's nothing to salvage, I just leave it and cry, I cry and I cry til there's nothing left,
Anyways that's why I choose to be alone
