The Goddess of Darkness

If you lack the fear of death, you also aren't afraid to live your life how you wanna live it
          
          - a quote said by someone I knew who lived life how they wanted to yet burned themselves out numerous times

There are times when you question yourself, when you question what you really want, when you question who you are. There are times when you hesitate to get what you want because is it even what you really want? 
          
          I don't know anymore if I want what I always said I did. I don't know anymore what road I'm supposed to take. It feels like my heart has been divided into two; the part that wants to leave and the part that wants nothing more than to stay. 

One last time
          
          Do you think the butterfly knows
          How pretty it's wings are
          Or how many people admire it from afar
          Wishing to be as pretty as it is
          
          Do you think the rain knows
          How calming it sounds
          Or how many people it's helped
          Just by being around
          
          How about you?
          Do you know
          How breathtakingly amazing you are
          Inside and out

I'm gonna try something new
          
          One after the other
          Succes after success
          But still an empty shell
          Even after reaching the sky
          
          The dawn after the dark
          The sun after the rain
          And yet still nothing
          It all seems to be in vain
          
          I reached the finish line
          I rung the bell
          I have trophies to show
          And stories to tell
          
          But what if I'm missing the point?
          What if I'm missing the meaning?
          What if it wasn't in the knowing or seeing?
          What if the gold was in the dreaming?

I'm just gonna try to make a random poem to see if I still got it
          
          Left or right
          Black or white
          No longer knowing
          What it is I'm yearning
          
          The clock's constant ticking
          My mind constantly worrying 
          Feeling left behind
          Not knowing where this road will wind
          
          I know I'll be okay though
          Since my life I've made it through
          Still don't know what'll happen
          But I'll write it down with ink and pen

Just thinking about how I've given my entire life to them yet they managed to make the one person I'm comfortable crying in front of think of me as a monster (I've been thinking bout my life is it better if I die?) 

I haven't written in how long and the first thing I write after how many months is being fucked in the head 

sagittarius, as cliche as it might sound: time will heal the pain.

It feels unreal, though. First, you think that you will never move on. Second, you are laughing at some joke. Third, you realize that you are laughing, then ask yourself if you are really happy. Don't doubt your laughter. You are happy for the first time, and it's okay. Let me tell you that it's okay to be happy. It's okay to move on. It's okay to get over it, even if you thought that you never could. It's okay to survive when you think you will be unable to. So, contain that laughter and repeat it. Laugh at the same joke. It's okay.

"I've had so many knives stuck in me, when they hand me a flower, I can't quite tell what it is. It takes time."
          — Charles Bukowski