Castor/Cosmos/Moon

Update: I didn't do it. I was about to but I just couldn't. I just chickened out.. I'll probably try again in another 2 weeks. I almost did it but I chickened out last minute. So for now....I'm alive. Sorry for worrying you guys.

Well today's the day if you know what I mean. Just know if you don't hear from me after today than I did it and I probably ain't here anymore. You all mean alot to me and I'm sorry I couldn't fight anymore. I'm tired. I tried. I really did. I'm sorry that I had to be pushed to this point. But hey, this isn't goodbye it's just see you later. Maybe we'll meet again in the next life. If it either doesn't work or I don't end up doing it, there will be an update. But if I end up doing it and succeeding than again, maybe we'll meet in the next life.

Being autistic is so weird sometimes because why the fuck was I just sitting on my bed for a full ten minutes stimming and hitting myself for no reason...this isn't the only time this has happened btw, there have been longer times I've done this and I don't know why sometimes. Either I'm aware I'm doing it or I'm zoned out and don't notice until I either unzone out or someone walks in and questions why I'm doing it.

Me:yayyy! I'm a sacrifice!
          
          My friend:it's to Donald Trump.
          
          Me:Julian I don't wanna be a sacrifice anymore (his name isn't Julian. If you know what I'm referencing you'll know what I mean)
          
          (I think this was said about 2 days ago if I remember correctly? Anyways- I love randomly quoting things me and my friends say and not remembering the context at all. Btw I am not a Trump supporter, we just like making these jokes) 

Heya guys. It's @B10od_M0on. I changed my username finally! I know I've had that username for a long time but I wanted a change. So now I made my user and profile picture Harvest (from the laes reboot) themed. Also I didn't know what to put for the background image so it's just a random meme I randomly have. Just thought I'd check in and let ya'll know I'm alive. Bye for now! Have a good day/night! Castor out!

Another vent. I hate being autistic sometimes. I hate that I get overestimulated and overwhelmed over the stupidest things. The fuck you mean I almost had a meltdown earlier because I was told to take off my favorite hoodie because it was too hot? I also really like this style where you wear a long sleeve shirt and put a t-shirt over it but I was told to change because again it was too hot for it and I hate having nothing covering my arms. I don't know if anyone else gets this way or feels this way but whenever I don't have anything covering my arms it makes me feel like my bones are gonna escape my body or I want to tear my skin off. I don't know why or if I'm the only one who feels that way. Its weird. And before anyone gets concerned I won't do that. It just sucks having disabilities. I have autism, ocd and ADD (a type of adhd). I hate how they make me feel sometimes. I'm also partially dyslexic and it sucks. It's like my brain mixes up words, sometimes I read things backwards. It also doesn't help that I got a speech impediment and I been bullied so much when I was a kid that it made me so self conscious of my voice. Sometimes I wish I was normal but I also don't because I wouldn't be the way I am without these. I wouldn't be in the fandoms I am and met all the friends I did because of being in those fandoms. But I also hate how hyperfixated I get on things that it won't let me think of anything else and its got so bad that I literally believe I am some of the characters and that I had past lives as them (I am a fictionkin for those who don't know). I don't know. I'm probably overthinking alot right now and I needed to vent. Thanks to anyone who actually stuck around and read this. I ain't asking for comfort or any pity, I just wanted to get this vent off my chest. Bye for now. Have a good day/night.

So uhm abit of a TW. I got my you know what date of when I plan to not be here anymore. 2 weeks from now I think that's when I'm gonna consider. I'm sorry guys, I don't think I can take it anymore. My depression is getting worse and worse each day. Nothing helps. The only times I genuinely feel happy is when I'm with my irl friends. That's it. I feel like I can't even feel basic emotions anymore that I just go numb at this point. I just want to feel something again. So I guess this is my only way out. I ain't doing it today so don't panic yet, it will be 2 weeks from now that I will do it or try to. I'm trying my best to word all of this in a way you guys can understand and wattpad won't take down. So this isn't my final goodbye yet, just letting ya'll know how much time you'll have left with me. Don't try talking me out of it, please. I hear enough from irl friends. Just enjoy the time you do have left with me. I know alot of people view doing this as selfish. I guess I'm selfish than. My dad says it's a cowards way out. I guess I'm a coward. But in reality I'm just numb and done with everything. I was pushed by so much and everything I been through. I'm still dealing with some aftermaths of my traumas and it sucks. I'm so tired of everything. So again this isn't my final goodbye yet, this is just to let ya'll know how long I'll be here. Hopefully wattpad won't take this down and I'll have some people be able to see this. I mainly want my friends on here to see it. Again don't talk me out of it, just enjoy the little time you do have with me.

Ngl the title and thumbnail of today's sams video made me laugh- "Titan snaps in vrchat"? more like "Titan snaps his back in vrchat"

Abit of a vent. I kinda get abit angry when people tell me "it'll get better". Yeah? When. Fucking tell me when will it get better. I felt this way sense I was 12. The only reason I stayed longer is because of my irl friends. So when will it get better. I haven't felt happy in so many years. Now I deal with more problems. I may have some undiagnosed issues and I been hearing voices. I think I may have some personality disorder. I ain't self diagnosing, I'm only saying I THINK I do. I am not at all saying I do, just I think. I'm trying so hard to figure out whats going on with me. I know I am probably mentally ill in some way. I ain't okay psychically either. I always feel nauseous and sometimes I almost pass out for no reason. I gone to several doctors. Gotten a blood test done and still shows nothing. I just want to fucking know what's wrong with me. I been talking to one of my irl friends and I told him about the voices and I believe I had past lives (the thing about me being a fictionkin, I haven't outright told him I am a fictionkin because of fear of what he'll think about me) and I feel like he just looks at me like I'm crazy. He doesn't outright say it but I feel like he thinks it. I don't know how much longer I can deal with all of this. It's getting so tiring. I'm so tired right now.

So today's TEASS episode...woah. we got more lore drop. Now we know why Neptune is the way he is. Honestly I kinda suspected he had a reason for the mask but it was still surprising to find out. I am starting to feel bad for him abit.