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i'm just gonna dump this here. i feel like crying again. i don't know, i just feel like crying everytime i think of research. i feel like i have no hopes on continuing it anymore. that im still a disappointment. im still not ok at some point. im so tired of being a leader again. i want them to carry me. i feel so jealous of being with irish and lhei cuz they have good research. annika can do most stuffs without worrying. it was nice for them. it was so smooth sailing. theyre all happy. im not. i have a group to carry. and im carrying it so bad. i want to rest from carrying. i give everything for this group. they say to not stress myself but how???? im the one making shots for this group. i am the one they rely on cuz ik most of the things. but now i totally have no fucking idea and so depress about it, i have to force myself to get better. i want to fucking rest as a leader for petes sake. i just wsnt to rest now.. please i fucking i hate this....