Hamza Dekiech

To my surprise I held on so tight , more tight than I would’ve imagined, and i ran out of energy trying to think about what the future might make me do , i’m interested in living my current truth and repair my broken heart. A heart that is bruised from thinking it deserves what it desperately asked for “little effort” , a heart that was forced checking accounts and wonder “whats new with their lives?”, “who’s new?”, “did they found someone and moved on?”…. After a time where it was sure it was the closest.

A year ago today , i was sitting with a friend in a coffee place not really in a mood for a football game per se . So i picked up my phone.
          
          I met her , so randomly that i never thought she’s  the exception i’d break my principles for . 
          To put it bluntly “My pride”.
          
          Sure i got cold feet to say the first “i love you”.
          I asked myself : are you ready to go that far for her ? 
          
          I was afraid to be manipulating her to forget about my own wounds , or to use her kindness as a shield that keeps me apart from my nightmares . 
          I asked myself : am i gonna be ready to be as nice when time comes ? 
          
          The answer came along the days i spent with her, which gave sense to a tasteless year i was about to have. It was a good save . 
          
          Each day i’d be hoping she was kidding when she’d think she’s not enough for me or that i’d find someone better, because in my mind “ain’t no one better no one greater”. 
          
          Each day with the hopes that its not just an obsession that will fade away. 
          
          The days pass by and i check again a year later to find the same will in me to go to the end of it .
          
          I don’t know really what changes from her end , and it doesn’t really matter if she’s happy.