Skiitish Girl

It's been 9 months since you are gone!
          I have always thought about you in a good way..... The selfless way of you taking me out.
          The selfless way of loving me, listening to me rant on shitty things, making me utmost comfortable during my menses, cuddling me on cold nights and holding my hands while I do shittest thing.
          Here after 9 months, I am sitting alone wishing your hands were wrapped around me while I listen to jazz and talk to you bullshit.
          I moved on! What a joke.... 9 months down the line and I miss you terribly.
          Just know my heart will always have special place for you and will love you always.
          Hope heaven is treating you right!

You were always my safe place.... in rains you'd shield me, in winters you'd cuddle me, I'm summers you'd tower me!
          From planning our life together, all the trips we were planning to have to forget them and live alone.
          I just wanna let you know, I am not ok without you we all terribly miss you.... 
          Elle still sits by the door at 4AM!
          Chinki still gets excited if she hears aviator! 
          I still crave for 4AM coffee and how was your day! 
          Don't know how to live or say this but this is not going down, I cannot move on this time, I cannot let go this time! 

There are feelings which we are trying to hide, feelings which we want to speak badly but we don't.
          You know the silence is sharp as knife, but shunning the feelings can be way more painful 
          Sometimes i feel there is a tug which is pulling us apart, if we don't play along we will fall.
          Is it too hard to be normal, should there be always shunning, should there be always this distance?
          Shouldn't we be on bed talking out our feelings, cuddling and crying in each others arm? Isn't that what two people together mean? 
          Maybe I am really born in wrong Era! I wish I was born in Era of love letters, secret but completely open talk, sharing feelings and insecurities. 
          
          But people have engraved that being cool means not sharing your brain!! 
          People have engraved the assumption that everything they will say is just suppose to be offensive for other person!!
          People have just engraved in their minds that this won't last, that the relationship is just temporary!!
          People have engraved and supposedly internally swore to give up rather than fighting for each other mutually.
          
          PS - just trying to clear up my mind, but it's chaotic, stubborn and unapproachable!

          Does writing really helps? 
          I don't know ..... I cannot speak loud the way I love you, the way you grunt when you are inside me cannot really share the feeling when you whisper dirty words in my ears. I cannot share the way we grunt in unison when you enter me. Ruining me and my  for life now. 
          
          My life was so simple before him, after him it's just after! 
          I'd never forget @annatodd for this one 

Just the two of us! 
          Us naked skin to skin in a small room, a small bed amd lots of words, expression, understanding and love. 
          I don't think I'd ever want money from my person but simple things that matters the most are very uncommon. 
          It is beautiful to be loved by you. 
          It is mesmerizing to be watched by you. 
          But it is achingly painful to think of detaching from you when I know I'm destined to detached from you.

You know you are never enough when you give your all and never get anything in return

Aren't we weak we love someone...... People say you speak freely with people you love but that's a shit statement. We know people will get hurt and we restrict ourself, I am struck. I don't know what Should I do, i love him but love doesn't comes to you easily. He makes me forget everytime that love is not meant for me. He makes me feel special, loved and deserved. My stupid heart believes it all despite the fact mirrors are meant to be broken. In the end, the mirror will break, mirage will puff out, clouds of love will be cleared and I'll just be floating within clouds of misery and agony. I always wished i wad a werewolf so i could identify my soulmate. But i wish for him to hold my hand, talk to me, fight with me and fight for me  for the rest of the life. I wanna be safe in his embrace. 
          IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK???

They say home is just not a place it's a feeling. But do you feel home with me? If yes, then why bot hold my hand and walk away from everything. If no, then why am i am not worthy for you. I always heard you saying i wanna make my girl happy and spend on her and do this and that. 
          Then the wonder remains..... Why is that girl not me? Why do i have  to desperately try? Why does someone else destroys my picture always? Why my love is always optional? Why am i always the second in your priorities? Why can't i be the centre of your world? Why am I not one around whom your goals revolve? Why am i not the one you wanna grow old with? Why am I not the one you wanna hold for rest of your life? 
          Guess all these questions around in my mind and I'll tell you..... Because I'm always afraid of losing you

You fall for the person who doesn't loves you back..... I knew love was not meant for me...... No one really loves me and still i expected it from him.... I expect love when I know it's not meant for me
          He proved I cannot be loved
          He proved love is not for me 
          He proved love is just sick game of using each other 
          He proved I'm always just a filler 
          He proved I will never be enough 
          He proved I was always delusional 
          He proved I cannot be loved

I just realized,
          the power of now.
          I was wondering what happened and how.
          The lightest sigh of relief,
          Took a deep breath and I believe,
          That life is just wow,
          This moment, 
          The power of now.
          
          PS: not my words! But literally touched my