HeartKiller04

Honestly It Seems Like A Never Ending Nightmare
          A Mere Sight I Can't Escape
          
          A Terror That Bleeds Me Dry
          
          Sometimes I Wish You'd Say You Love Me Back
          Or Even Let You Keep Fading Like Everyone Else
          
          I Came Back To Writing...
          Can You See?
          
          But The Truth Is...
          This Isn't Me
          
          
          Oh If I Could Got Back
          To A Time Where I Wasn't Such A "Freak"
          
          A Time Where I Might Have Ran Back
          A Time Where I Would Have Begged
          
          But No
          That's Not Me
          
          If People Wish To Go Then I Shall Let Them
          
          Why Fight For People Who Gave Up On Me?
          Or No Longer Desire My Presents Once More
          
          Not A Day Goes By That I Don't Look Back
          
          Maybe I Shouldn't Have Move Forward
          Or Even Stayed Back
          
          I His Prisoner
          And I Her Treat
          
          The Days I Wish I Could Cry
          
          
          The Day I'm Free I'll Drive Anywhere And Everywhere
          I'll Follow My Dreams
          I No None Will Follow
          
          Will I See You For A Last Time
          As We Wish Each Other Goodbye
          
          Once My Lover
          To My Hater
          To I Being This Lost Loner
          To You Fading Away
          As I Stand With No Hand To Hold

Should I keep writing...?

Hey its been awhile since I posted anything =~="
          Check out my bio though and follow me on my snap and join my discord. More social media links coming soon!

I'm so sick an tired of all the constant bullshit I'm getting... 
          Why in God's name am I still holding on to any bullshitting hope at this point, I must be the dumbest piece o shit around!
          Why can't be just let me be alone?
          Why can't people get that I can't feel anything!?
          I'm in pain and all I wanna do is free myself.. And I dont wanna or just cant tell anyone cause everything in me stops me

You pass boundaries
          You take my broken heart
          Trapping it once more-
          Stop!
          I can't be saved from my brokenness
          Stop getting closer...
          Please stop...
          Nobody knows what's going on...
          Nobody I can cry to...
          Out of bitter fear-
          Don't look at me that way
          Don't speak to me that way
          To many people want
          What I am not ready to give
          1
          2
          3
          4
          What the hell should I do...
          Love scares me
          The way people look at me
          I know they want me...
          
          Trust me you don't want me
          A girl with scars 
          Inside
          And out
          
          Damaged soul
          And a broken heart
          
          Numb
          Love
          Hate
          Pain
          
          What do I do-
          I don't know what it's like
          To have such strong feelings
          For another human
          I forgot how to feel that
          
          I can sense it
          But what do I do?
          But stand there-
          
          Never love me
          Never desire to with me
          
          Trust me your better off without me
          ⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛⋇⁛
          Chained down
          Unable to mutter a word
          
          Scared to say
          What's going on in my head
          
          Secrets buried inside-
          
          What kind of friend am I?
          A girl who hides the pain
          Hides the torment
          
          Slowly tearing away 
          Slowly fading away
          But that's okay ^w^
          
          I may act fine
          And I promise I am
          But I'm not okay
          I'm not all good
          
          Broken hearts
          Damaged souls
          Lost beings
          
          Can I die yet-

I never thought I could be afraid of who I am
          The girl I once knew was strong
          Beautiful
          Kind
          Loving
          She was so much more...
          =-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
          I close my eyes
          Out of fear of facing all the truths
          I've tried to hide inside
          Having to accept every outcome
          Having to figure out emotions 
          That seems so complex from my harsh past
          Relationships
          Friendships
          Family bonds
          All seem numbing-
          What purpose might I have
          To people full of beauty
          Hearts Of Gold
          ∘×∘×∘×∘×∘×∘×∘×∘×∘×∘×∘×∘×∘×∘
          Do you ever feel like
          If you don't act a certain way
          People will questions
          So you fake a smile
          You laugh along side them-
          You ever feel like you must do something 
          To please someone
          Cause of the power they hold of you-
          ₪⨂₪⨂₪⨂₪⨂₪⨂₪⨂₪⨂₪⨂₪⨂₪⨂₪
          I feel like a prisoner in my own mind
          A captive in my own kingdom
          A lost soul watching their body
          Moving all on its own-
          No one would miss her
          No one needs her
          No one loves her
          What could they love..?

Everythings okay-
          Breathe...

Stop trying to fix me
          Like I'm some broken toy
          
          Stop saying you care
          Between all your bullshit lies
          
          Go away
          I know I'm broken
          I know I'm hurting
          I know I'm dying
          
          I wanna feel normal
          I wanna be me...
          Whoever she may be-
          =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
          I never realized how broken I am... I can't feel my emotions I feel numb most of the time... I'm lost in a sea of darkness-
          Why do people treat me like some broken toy..?
          Some item that needs fixing before they just toss it out-
          Why life be like that?
          
          I fell in love
          And then got broken
          
          I made friends
          And they kept fighting
          I tried to help everyone
          I guess you could say fix...
          
          And I'm sorry...
          You aren't a broken toy
          Your my friends
          Family...
          
          I'm just lost...

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          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUSENVq5YEA
          ⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰⋱⋰
          Love seems so complex 
          So many rules
          A rules and not enough warnings
          
          At some point in my life I think I fell in love
          But lost in a matter of seconds
          
          At some point I realized
          That when I let it go
          It took a huge part of me along with
          
          My inspiration for drawing
          My passion for writing
          My inner being
          
          To darkness came
          Took over so much...
          
          I don't want it...
          I don't think I can handle it
          
          I'm too weak to let anyone into that part of me
          Out of sheer fear of giving them the pain I carry
          The fear of not being enough
          Or them getting to close
          And I push them far-
          
          Love
          I don't know what it feels like
          I forgot
          But how...?
          Where did it go...
          https://youtu.be/pHfE0xgc2tE

Have you ever felt like...
          If you just cut a little deeper maybe you'll feel at peace... Is it weird that when I'm so close to death or even knowing there's a moment of time where I know I can end it all... And I just feel like all the weight on my shoulders have just been lifted for that simple moment... Like if I just let it happen... I'd feel true bliss... True freedom... It's selfish I know
          "What about you friends"
          "You'll be hurting your family"
          "You have so much to live for..." You say that as if you know my meaning for living... Tell me please what am I even fighting for? For the hope  that maybe I'll find a actual person who'll stay... Who won't talk shit about me or hurt me?? 
          What that my family needs me? Yeah maybe they'll be hurt... But shit if I were to die all the people who knew me will be crying at my coffin asking:
          "Why did you do it?"
          "Why didn't you tell us, we could have helped!"
          "I miss you"
          "I love you" etc.
          Well shit I needed to hear that when I was alive, ya'll fight over who is and isn't allowed to like me. Over what we did in our past. But what about what the outcome happens? When one of us finally have enough and we take our own lives... 
          If you can't say shit to fix the problem, then don't lie to me... Don't fake shit for my sake or anyone elses... I'm slowly losing control, behind this smile and the jokes... I'm fighting cause I wanna believe that I mean something to people... And honestly I feel like I burden people, maybe that's why no one wants me... But even so I try to fix myself...
          Ya know it's funny... I would always get told what I need to fix or how I need to change... And then I do and I like the outcome for myself.... But end up hatting it cause people love saying shit...
          Well then, what the hell do people actually know about me..? There's a lot I haven't told people... Because there's parts of me I don't want people to see or know... What a great friend/person I am huh? Sometimes the dark things are better off hidden...(Vent)