Daniel LaRusso

God must feel disappointed in me. I get reminded everyday that things will be okay, that I do have people who care, that I am enough. But I don't...feel like it sometimes. It's a pain. Just some random inconvenience happens: someone yells at me, someone does better than me on something I was once good at, I don't do something right and those things alone remind me how worthless I feel.
          
          I'm not worthless. I'm not, I hope. The 11 year old I was, who wanted so much out of everything wouldn't have wanted to be. And I'm so sorry for them. I'm so sorry for being someone they would've hated so much. For being a coward and pushing friends and family away because I don't know how to deal with myself. I want to say sorry for my younger self for not being the teenager I dreamed myself out to be. I'm so sorry I didn't become consistent in academics, I'm so sorry I'm not a good friend to people I care about.
          
          And now I feel sick, thinking about thoughts I shouldn't and the regrets I feel about them. People have it worse than me for god's sake, why am I always crying and complaining? Why do they love me despite all this? My mom, my dad, everyone- they must hate me, right? I think they do. It's only logical if they do.
          
          
          I don't know if I'm making sense again. I'm sure I'll regret writing things like this here and delete it or something. Force myself to move on because I can't afford to be vulnerable. But I really do want to disappear, and maybe something else much more than that. I wish, and god I won't blame you if you won't forgive me for this, that I wasn't born at all. Maybe things wouldn't have gone downhill for everybody. No one really has to help me, I just want them to be happy, that's all that matters.
          
          I'm getting out of here somehow.

Follow for follow?

I'm afraid of something but I don't know what. I'm sad about something but I don't know what. I am something but I don't know what.
          
          It's really pointless, even I don't understand my own thoughts. It's like they're just words that fade in and out of the static void in my brain; words that I want to give meaning to in order to move and function properly.
          
          I think the answer's simple but I'm way too stubborn and tired to figure it out. All I know is that things like these are a cycle, I've already noticed that with what I did or said in the past, I guess.
          
          I'm suddenly not feeling very smart about it: life and all that. Which is weird because words like that would've never been typed out by the 10-12 year old academic achiever I once was. 
          
          Weirdddd. Anyway, bona fide, September

Our school had a symposium for mental health and suicide awareness yesterday and just imagine how I numb I felt while I realized that symptoms for anxiety and depression suited my situation as of now. I don't really wanna diagnose myself because maybe I'm just overthinking it. 
          
          The doctor who hosted the symposium said we could talk to professionals like therapists and psychologists for help when we need a diagnosis but I'm just a teenager with no money so I guess that's that.
          
          And her presentation also stated that we need 4 hugs a day to survive. I barely get any hugs for years, I should be disintegrated rn then

F4F?

And there they were, calm and free, 
          With a life so smooth, unlike for me.    
          I looked and wished, but deep down knew,  
          That progress was beyond my view.
          
          Not hate, but truth I came to find,  
          That academically, I'd lag behind.  
          Their lives would shine with vibrant light,  
          While I’d drift away, out of sight.
          
          In simple tasks, I struggle and fall,  
          While others excel with no bruises at all.
          So where’s the brilliance they claim I hold?  
          I’m worn, I’m tired, I’ve grown too cold.   
          
          And there they were, so bright, so clear,  
          As I stood watching, still stuck right here. 

dear God please let me live til I'm 17. I wanna be 17 and thriving so baddd but I've been testing my patience lately 

Everyday my mom gets more right, my friends will never be there for me when I actually need it. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm the only one who could ever help me get better, but that's also proving to be difficult.

rating things I did just because 
          
          
          1. Lost an eye
          -1000/10
          i was turned unwillingly into a pirate
          
          2. Stood on a table and slipped, breaking my back
          0/10
          parents had my back "fixed" by some old man
          
          3. Carried so much rubbing alcohol during 3rd grade
          2/10
          some kid described me like I was germaphobic
          
          4. Accidentally bit my index finger and it bled 
          -100/10
          i couldn't write properly for a week 
          
          5. Someone confessed to me and all I said was "wow thanks"
          -10000/10
          i don't have an ounce of charisma on me
          
          6. Woke up one day and threw up
          1/10
          mom said it was because of my dang phone lol
          
          7. Told an unfunny joke about my friend. Discovered later that she told rumors about me days later
          -5/10
          she made me sound like i was an edgy rebel wannabe what the 
          
          8. Tried joking around and my friend told me to shut up
          1/10
          was I that bad 

Officially turned 16 yesterday, yayyyy. At least it was somewhat a good day yesterday