You're walking in the woods
There's no one around
And your phone is dead
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him
Shia LaBeouf
He's following you
About 30 feet back
He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint
He's gaining on you
Shia LaBeouf
You're looking for your car
But you're all turned around
He's almost upon you now
And you can see there's blood on his face
My god, there's blood everywhere
Running for your life
He's brandishing a knife
Lurking in the shadows
Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf
Living in the woods
Killing for sport
Eating all the bodies
Actual, cannibal Shia LaBeouf.
Now it's dark and you seem to have lost him
But you're hopelessly lost yourself
Stranded with a murderer
You creep silently through the underbrush
A-ha In the distance
A small cottage with a light on
Hope
You move stealthily toward it
But your leg Ah It's caught in a bear trap
Gnawing off your leg
Limping toward the cottage
Now you're on the doorstep
Sitting inside Shia LaBeouf
Sharpening an ax
But he doesn't hear you enter
You're sneaking up behind him
Strangling superstar Shia LaBeouf
Fighting for your life with Shia LaBeouf
Wrestling a knife from Shia LaBeouf
Stab it in his kidney
Safe at last from Shia LaBeouf
You limp into the dark woods
Blood oozing from your stump leg
But you have won
You have beaten Shia LaBeouf
Wait He isn't dead Shia Surprise
There's a gun to your head, and death in his eyes
But you can do Jiu Jitsu
Body Slam superstar Shia LaBeouf
Legendary fight with Shia LaBeouf
Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf
You try to swing an axe at Shia LaBeouf
But blood is draining fast from your stump leg
He's dodging every swipe he parries to the left
You counter to the right you catch him in the neck
You're chopping off his head now
You have just decapitated Shia LaBeouf
His head topples to the floor expressionless 
You fall to your knees and catch your breath
You're finally safe from Shia LaBeouf