@Hwjsnbbfks
I'm going to keep it simple this time.
You are one of the greatest things that happened to me this year. I'm so grateful for you, and I love you.
Happy New Year, dear. Let's all stay happy and healthy.
No one really knows me irl here so I couldn't help but want to let it out here , like it's my notes app.....lol.
I wish I could switch my life , to anyone honestly. Kkuma has a better life than mine at the moment.
But then again , I don't want to. I am a mess of indecisiveness. Everything feels like it's weighting me down. It just feels heavy , in my chest like someone placed a boulder. And it's not even about my self image anymore. I look like a failed science experiment and just when I come to get in terms with that , everything else seems to be too much.
The financial condition at home is just...bad and as the older child it is naturally to be expected of me to improve the home condition. I expect that much of myself too.
I want to give my parents things they deserve, they've spent half of their lives grinding for every single penny. It is only natural I feel obliqued to do good , to earn better , to give them a retirement they deserve , a retirement my grandparents didn't recieve.
I want to study , that is the only thing i can do , the only way to get out of whatever this is. But that seems hard too. I feel like ill never get in a college , mess up my entire engineering entrance exam. The more I think , the more it feels like I don't really have a purpose in life.
I don't really have any desire to live. If I were to be chased by a boar, I feel like I wouldn't run for my life. I'll just accept fate before I try.
(If the example is understandable)
In theory , i know all of this is meaningless. That shouldn't be so damn petty and just put my head down, study.
But , i feel like if I look down too much I'll never be able to get it up.
I just don't know anymore.
@Hwjsnbbfks Thanks...that's all I can of right now while I try not to cry reading the same reply again and again hah..... Oh and I think I'd end up coming to you even after the fortune time when I start liking myself comes (as chessy as it sounds it's true) Thanks for loving me too , you somehow make me feel loved even through the screen :( By the time I reached the end of this message I did tear up... And yeah...let's try to be happy :) Same goes for you too alright? And...yeah , I can't really think of words at this moment , just a small smile while being teary is all i can muster. I hope i could have gotten to hug you
@Hwjsnbbfks Maybe me logging in today and seeing this was never a coincidence. Maybe it was just meant to happen this way. I’m not good at comforting. I barely know how to sit with my own thoughts without feeling overwhelmed, so I don’t know how much help I can really be to someone else. Still… I want to try. For you. I think one of the loneliest struggles in this world is learning how to love ourselves. I’ve often wondered why it feels so impossible. We give love so easily to others, forgive them so gently yet when it comes to ourselves, we hesitate. Maybe it’s because we know ourselves too well. Every flaw, every quiet failure, every thought we’d never dare say out loud. The parts we carefully hide from everyone else are always there when we’re alone. When we look inward, we don’t see a whole person. We see cracks, unfinished pieces, things that feel broken beyond repair. And it’s hard to love something when all you can notice is what’s missing. As this year comes to an end, this is my small, fragile wish: that somehow, slowly, we learn to accept ourselves. Not perfectly. Not all at once. Just enough to keep going. Until then, I want you to know that I’m here. Even if I don’t always know the right words. Even if my presence is quiet and imperfect. And if not me, I hope you find comfort in Minghao, in Dami, or in the characters who live between the pages of my books. I hope my words — clumsy and incomplete as they are can offer you even a little warmth on nights that feel too long. I love you. Even though we’ve never met. Even though we only know fragments of each other. Even though we’re not entirely ourselves here. I love you with all your flaws, the ones you show and the ones you hide. Let’s be happy. Or at least… let’s keep trying, even on the days when happiness feels very far away.
@Hwjsnbbfks putting this up is like exposing a part of me that's always kept in the dark.... I have no idea what to feel about this....im just second guessing everything.
I’ve often wondered how someone I’ve never met in real life could be so gentle with me. From the very beginning, you treated me with a kindness I didn’t even know I was missing. Your words found me when my mind was loud and restless, when everything felt like too much. Even on days I was barely holding myself together, your comments would soften something inside me, if only for a moment, and let me breathe.
Lately, things have been difficult. Academically, and in ways that feel much deeper than that. I tried to cope the best I could, but I’m tired now. It feels like I’m standing at the edge of something, afraid that if I lean even a little, I’ll fall and won’t have the strength to stand again. The people around me haven’t made it easier. Everyone seems to take what they want and leave, and my thoughts spiral endlessly in the quiet that follows.
I know — logically — that none of this defines my worth. I know I deserve better. But knowing something doesn’t always stop the hurt. It’s far too easy to turn that pain inward, to blame myself for everything. Sometimes, even my family adds to that weight without realizing it. I’ve never really had people who understood me, and somewhere along the way, I accepted that this might just be how things are—that I might always be alone in that sense.
I’m sorry for rambling. I think I’ve been doing that a lot lately: overthinking until my thoughts blur together.
What I really wanted to say is this: you have been incredibly precious to me. Your kindness, your words, the way you show up so gently, they mean more to me than I know how to explain. Sometimes they move me to tears, not out of sadness, but because they remind me that warmth still exists somewhere.
Please don’t be disheartened. I’m not disappearing forever. I love writing too much to abandon it, and I love SEVENTEEN even more. And yes, I love you too, in the quiet, sincere way that holds gratitude and care.
@aqunoa everytime i do comment something , in all its rambling I feel like I haven't said enough , I am thinking that even now. So I hope you'll be able to read between the lines on how many times I have re written every comment ;( I don't want this to sound like the last time we spoke I'll keep everything in and tell you when you come back *Pats your head* I wonder if I've said it enough but who cares , I'll do it again , i love you alot. I hope everything goes well for you because well you deserve it. You need to stay nerdy till then ;) (Teasing you)
@aqunoa I don't want to lie and say that take as much time as you need but then again that's what I'll say because thats what works in theory yk? Im glad you feel that way for me because... well in a simple way to put it i feel that way , so thankfully no feelings were miscommunicated between us :) *crying* People can be like that sometimes , and it's not the best thing and idk if this would help but honestly i care about you alot. Somehow in this short period of time. Im glad to get to know even the part you've shown yk? Hopefully when you are back we'll be even closer friends (no pressure intended. I just wanna be friends with you I swear) I wanna say so many things but then again it might start being too sad alright. So in short please do take care of yourself , if I could I would honestly take care of you *did I mention I'm sobbing?* Anyways i should stop. You should work hard , on yourself. On the fact that , you are worthy in however you are. Despite all the sadness that lingers , because honestly , I am just as pathetic in the matters of self love :( And the kindness you speak about , it's never forced out (just so you know hmph) It's always there for you believe it or not *Pats your head* take care of yourself and love yourself just the same way you love dami And ofc , I do love you :(
@Hwjsnbbfks I’m just tired. I need to step back for a while and try to loosen the weight pressing on my chest, to see if the darkness will ease if I give myself time. Maybe the new year will be gentler. Maybe the people around me will be kinder. I hope so. I think you understand why I need this, and I’m grateful for that more than you know. Until then, I hope my books and words can stay with you in some small way. That they might offer you comfort, or companionship, the way yours did for me. I hope my thoughts can sit beside you quietly, and that you’ll let yours wander too. So please, wait for me, just a little. I’ll miss you deeply. Take care of yourself, and your health. And good luck with your exams. I hope you do well. May the next year be softer to both of us. And maybe, when I return, I’ll bring a new book with me — hopefully one you’ll like. (I may or may not be crying, not sure if it's allergies or emotions.) With love, Luca.
Wait, did you delete the soonhoon book? I can't see it on your profile. ;(
@aqunoa then i'll try to write it soon too >_< (finding a good smiling emoticon is so hard lol) Anyways , take care :')
@Hwjsnbbfks Ah, I'll wait for it then! :) And I guess it's coincidence that we are online at the same time. Who knows. :D
@aqunoa yeah I wanted to rewrite it ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ I can do better than what was going on with the last two chapters :( (I feel like that ) (How come we are online at the same time , almost always lol. Definitely not giggling)