Bear

How crappy do you have to be to not ask how someone else is? My roommate (not the suitemate I had a fight with) told me she has been having a rough time since Tuesday. If she had even looked at me or around, she would see that I have been struggling too. I relapsed last night, I am barely around, and I dont want to talk with her. I waited for her to ask but she said nothing and turned away to go to bed. Shes been asleep all day long. I am far beyond okay and I have been struggling to come up with goals for the future because it seems impossible.

Had a horrible fight with a suitemate. I cant do this

TW: sensitive subject, su!cide mentioned
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          So.... a kid jumped off of the parking garage today. 
          
          I saw this guy everyday, just passing by as we live out lives. I knew he was pretty out there with joining clubs and organizations. We were instructed to stay away from the parking garage but I knew immediately what had happened.
          
          I know its horrible but I feel jealous. 
          
          Life just sucks at the moment and there have been times I would sit at the top floor of the very same garage and wonder what it would be like. Literally today I was convinced life wouldnt get better and I almost grabbed energy drinks to overd*se like I have tried to do before. Instead, we got the message and I just feel so guilty. Everyone I know is so upset and worried and I just know they would be even more worried if it was me. I just want to scream. 
          
          I do feel really guilty though that he had suffered and most likely needed a hand. I just have been going through my head, trying to remember if I have seen him upset or in a low place, if there was any way I could know. I know realistically, I would have never been in a class with him and I would have never been in the situation to interact with him but yeah. 
          
          I guess this proves that we should look out for each other regardless if we know for sure that someone is doing alright or not.

Im not cut out for college :(

I hate school (and everyone stands up and applauds)

Wattpad really jumpscaring me everytime it updates and I need to log back in

I dont know if its irrational fears or what but my dad got stopped at the airport because they thought he was suspicious. A bunch of assumptions based on his name and skin color. Im terrified hes gonna go on his business trip and not come back. I hate it here.

Looking back at how I wrote innuendos to smvt, I am so sorry for everyone who might have read them. I looked back at my Perfect series (if you know, you know) and it has the stupidest writing ever, WHY DID I ATTEMPT TO USE "DINGDONG" SERIOUSLY!?!?

Im thinking about changing my name irl. I feel like I might be k!lled over it one day and I cant stand the fear. I might hate it but at least I would be alive? Idk, the world is falling down.

Already had a breakdown the first night of being in the dorm again :)
          
          (Im not gonna make it through this semester its impossible)