Bear

Our relationship is so cooked like I love her so much and she already confessed that she would never be the one to instigate a breakup/divorce or anything so if something happens, I have to confess to her best friend and beg her to convince her to leave because I promised never to leave but im so scared right now i woke up from a nap at 6 pm to a "i love you, goodnight" message and idk how im supposed to do this while pretending that Im okay and everything in life is alright

I dont know what to do
          
          
          I spiraled so hard and tried to stop everything and so I told 2 people I trust. Got tipsy, drank an energy drink the next morning  (iykyk) and spent the next day shaking and feeling horrible. 
          
          Apparently, in turn, I made those two people spiral. My friend felt horrible and was texting my partner about it and how she felt really upset about it. My partner spiraled as well, contacting her toxic/abvsive mom. When i realized, I decided to hide everything from now on from everyone. I spent yesterday smilinf and acting all cheerfully despite hating myself even more. My partner in turn really started struggling and wanting to do bad things. Shes been doing horribly and I cant help but feel that its my fault and I should have either done it or i shouldnt have told anyone. I cant even tell anyone about this now so its just me ranting to nobody here on Wattpad now. 
          
          
          
          
          This sucks.

Im just now realizing how f'd up our relationship is.
          
          
          
          I have really bad mental health issues due to how my brain was wired. She has really bad mental health issues due to experiences and people in her life. Ive been spiralling worse than I ever have before and I stupidly told two people. She worried about it and told a toxic person. In turn, she got a negative reaction and her mental health is plummeting. I know i should be focusing on myself since I quite literally am hanging off by a thread but im just so worried for her too. It makes me not wanting to tell her when it gets bad. 
          
          I love her so much but I dont want her to get hurt because of how broken my brain is. 

This is probably the worst ive ever felt in my life. I thought last year was bad.

Bro I swore never to watch South Park because of how offensive it can be but an artist on Insta introduced me to Tweak and Craig and I cant go back anymore T-T 
          
          Its actually funny and cute my life is ruined
          
          

WE. HELD. HANDS !!!!!!!!!!
          
          It was so natural too, Ive been wanting to hold her hand this whole time but I was so nervous about it. She kept resting her hands on my arm because they were cold and she wanted to warm them up so I just opened my hand and held it towards her and she grabbed it so naturally and it makes my stomach flutter just thinking about it. Like I wasnt expecting it to work but it did. 
          
          I was driving though so I had to let go when I was turning and stopping the car but it felt crushing each time I had to let go. God, Im so obsessed with her and I want to marry her

Apparently shes had a crush on me forever and I had a crush on her as well so we were just dumb LOL
          
          Anyways, I'm so down bad for her. We were playing games with a friend and we were sat close together for the first time and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I want to text her all the time 

Its been 2 days and I already want to call her "babe" and marry her.
          
          Im down bad

Guys I have a partner now 

I have so much I want to talk about but I dont have people I can talk to about it. Like its so hard to breathe rn and idk how to release that air that's getting trapped ajd its so uncomfortable