Heygivemehnames
Happy belated/advanced birthday!!(Please stay alive)
Ijustwanttonot
Ijustwanttonot
(not so) Daily Dark Humor
A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries
As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk".
He never came back.
Ijustwanttonot
Daily(ish) Dark Humor
I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"
She said, "but I don't wear glasses." I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."
Ijustwanttonot
Daily(ish) Dark Humor
I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."
Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."
Ijustwanttonot
Daily(ish) Dark Humor
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Ijustwanttonot
Daily(ish) Dark Humor
Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.
It would be IX/XI.
Ijustwanttonot
Daily(ish) dark humor
Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?
Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.
Ijustwanttonot
Daily(ish) dark humor
What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?
One bails her hay and the other heils her bae
Ijustwanttonot
Daily dark humor
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver
One goes WHACK “FUCK” And the other goes “FUCK” WHACK
Ijustwanttonot
Daily(ish) dark humor
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot......
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!"
So I got her nothing