Imsparcle_q

this message may be offensive 
I’m a god damn piece of shit and that’s  exactly how life treats me right now...

Imsparcle_q

So here I am, spending my 18th birthday alone in my room because of corona and the anxiety to meet family and friends. Only five minutes left until I’ll be an adult and I somehow wanna get drunk right now but I know that my parents would kill me if I would so so. But the good thing is, my best friend who’s name is depression is here to party with me :) sleep well everyone

Imsparcle_q

I don’t know if anyone is going to read this but let’s start...
          We had a little Chrismasparty yesterday and after drinking some Cocktail some of us been to the next Bar. We drank some more and I already felt pretty tipsy and knew I hat to stop for a second if I wanted to stay for the rest of the night. After that we’ve made our way searching for a club to dance and while we were waiting for some of the group who stayed a little bit behind us, at that time one of my Coworkers had to help me walk, he started kissing me and I kissed back because I like him, more as a friend I think but I would put my life in his hands if I had to. It continued and he startet touching me, which I was still comfortable with. The saga continues at the club but then out of nowhere he walked away and I didn’t saw him for the rest of the night. 
          Little time skip to when everyone was leaving and a friend told me to call if something happens while I was waiting for the last one because we wanted to drive a bit together until we separate. When he came back I told him that the others where already gone and at that moment he took me by surprise and pulled me towards him, kissing me and touching me on inappropriate zones... I was so drunk that it took me some time to realize what he was doing und I tried pushing him away but I wasn’t strong enough. I told him that I had to get home and we got out of the club but on the way to the subway he came really close more than one time. At that moment I was so scared beachside I knew no one was there to help me and I didn’t had the courage to call my friend. When we arrived I quickly said goodbye and walked away as fast as I could. 
          That all happens yesterday morning and I’m now in bed, it’s 3 o‘clock at night and I can’t sleep because I’m still scared, both men are Coworkers of mine and I don’t want to see them again on Monday. 
          I also now that I need to talk to someone about this but I don’t no who...

Imsparcle_q

What I learned last night: Don’t ever wear a skirt in public when you go party cause your closest people can become your biggest fear in point of sexualizing and touching you without the permission. I deeply wish that I won’t remember anything from last night but I do but the problem is that they don’t...

Imsparcle_q

I had a dream... my Pony, she was in real pain and I knew she had a colic. I knew that if I don’t do anything that she could probably die. But I just stand there next to her and only called my mother to take her to the clinic. It hurts, even though I know that she is ok right now and stands there while eating her lunch it hurst. This feeling  that I have in my heart right now is pain, just simply pain. In the Dream i lost her, she died because I wasn’t fast enough, I didn’t get the signs quick enough that she gave me. And i know that it sounds absolutely weird that it’s me who’s crying here right now because of a bad dream but this horse, my precious baby is the only thing that holds me alive everyday. I will try to sleep again now... I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry