Ineedtherapy33

I’m so mentally drained. I am a special needs child with a narcissistic parent who ultimately decides if I am under her guardianship for the rest of my life. (It’s just as nerve wracking as the doctor who’s a stranger deciding it.) I’m being pulled in several fucking directions, it’s a wonder that my seizure disorder hasn’t killed me yet since one of its main triggers is stress. Whenever a seizure happens, it damages the fuck out of my frontal lobe. (It’s the part of the brain where my seizures are located at. It mainly hits my processing and logic enablers or whatever they are called. It also affects my memory and emotions to a point.)  my seizures have only once appeared outwardly, they are based in my brain and therefore they make my brain have the seizure that would be happening on the outside, just making it harder to see and it doesn’t damage my physical body or my heart, just my brain, within a targeted location of it. If that makes any sense? I don’t know man, it’s 2am. I’m so fucking stressed out. It’s too goddam much. Who the hell likes this shit and doesn’t panic when in this situation of being the middle person, in middle of all the sides, who can understand each individual in the situation?? It’s incredibly stressful, which btw that stress increases by a ten fold when your the information nest for everyone in that fucking square. One sibling then another sibling , then my mom and then my dad. I am being pulled apart by quite literally all of them. It’s too goddamn much for my avoidant and antisocial, anxiety filled ass who probably has complex ptsd from situations that include all fucking four of them. 

I’ve realized that when I write a story on actual paper, it tends to look better and is well written on top of that. It’s the power of the pencil and paper. I have a story prompt but I don’t wanna share it on here because anyone could steal it and I really do not want that. I am more of a “serious” writer on the internet but on paper, it’s much more personalized. I swear. 
          
          
          
          

Each time, I think I’m being dramatic & that I’m making it up when I say I really can’t talk in certain conflict situations. I get reminded full force just how much that isn’t true.
          
          My father has been getting manipulated by his dad recently,  and he’s extremely easy to set off. You know I love my dad, he’s a good person in general but when he’s truly and utterly overwhelmed & emotional, He’s not the best person to be around.
          
          He was yelling and ‘quietly’ freaking out in the kitchen while my mom was upstairs with my sibling. My sibling had made a comment about the chicken, it sounded sarcastic but my sibling isn’t good w/ tones & meant in all forms, just disappointment. 
          
          But anyway, my mom went to the car with my sibling to get them selfs food. My dad instantly threw the potatoes hard onto the ground. I froze in my chair and grabbed onto my phone like it was a life source. I became very quiet and really became a shell of a person when he threw one item and he was upset on top of that. 
          
          That’s not just fear. That’s a complete shutting down response. It’s my freeze response. My mom rushed back inside and made me get in the car, which I didn’t want to be in the house alone with him when he’s throwing things so I reluctantly got up from my chair, I physically had to push myself off my chair and into the car.  I was extremely quiet because I had to force myself to even talk in the first place. It took until my sibling distracted my brain completely by talking about something that was a present memory in my head that took up my headspace and I had almost 35 minutes before that to calm myself down. That response isn’t a response that should happen just because someone throws an item onto the floor while they’re upset. 
          
          The only reason I got better in that amount of time is because I’m an expert at bottling up even my triggered emotional responses. I bottle that stuff up like I’m handling a flammable substance. 

Help. Save me from this hell called school and dogs that literally won’t let you sleep, I need sleep because I have to wake up around 5-6am in order to get any kind of Time before school.it’s my first day back tomorrow and my dad has been ‘moody’ all day, and I didn’t get much sleep considering that I had to wake up at 6am this morning as well. 
          
          I’ve had a rough prep day for school. Prep means things like getting supplies and an updated school chrome book. As well as the stress of my brother moving out over the weekend. It’s not been good and I hate that it’s so unstable when I’m starting school because I really thought that I’d be better this year. I was doing well and getting back on track that was before my family does it’s usual and turns even more chaotic then it already was in the first place. /gen 
          
          Its great. I’m lying it’s not great. It’s horrible, I can’t remember the tone tag for sarcasm so. My life is why I need therapy and  I don’t even really have one, I just have my family and their chaos. That’s the majority of my life plus the awful system called the school system, especially special needs. Dude. I can tell so many stories about how wrong it is in those classes and in my recent ones as well.

I know that it’s only about 35 followers but um, I’m going to become more mental health and trauma based on this account. (I’m still keeping romance and stuff.) I’ll be talking about personal experiences and giving resources if needed. I need an outlet as of now, and I need to feel like I’m worth something other than bringing pain so.

Do you ever just stay awake till 5am doing  things and just really feel happy that you’re getting along with your sibling and their partner? No? You don’t? Oh must be a thing caused by your siblings hiding in their rooms and practically not knowing any of them for most of your childhood. Am I bitter? Yes. Am I mad? No. Am I slightly spiteful? Yes. That’s normal though under the conditions that me and my siblings have got.

If you all didn’t know,I am Biromantic/Bisexual as well as Genderfluid. I hope you’re all having a good pride month so far. I’ve been staying away from social media discourse over pride cause to be honest, I’m a master at not even seeing it pop up anywhere near my feed except for the vague mention of it on tiktok. I’m sorry if you got stuck in middle of the discourse. Social media is an awful thing to exist with especially during pride where the homophobes/transphobes/acearophobes will do anything to make lgbtqia+ feel awful.

I’m constantly reminded that I am indeed without lovers and that I have never once done anything romantic or sexual with anyone. A lot teens supposedly have their first time before 17 and I’m just like ‘dude. I haven’t even had a first kiss or confessed/been confessed to/by nobody, how the fuck are you guys doing that shit?’ 

I’m fucking done. I need and want therapy but the things that I need to talk about would make my family seem horrible and get CPS called. I’m technically not an adult yet, I’ve still got a year so I have to deal with all this bullshit by myself. If I call my mother out for talking about me in a sense that makes me feel bad about myself, she’ll snap right back by either being spiteful/defensive or acting like a victim. That is what she does every time. She says ‘oh you can share your emotions, it’s fine.’ But the moment I actually share them all she does is make me feel guilty and like the worst human being in the entire world for feeling like I do and calling her out on what she’s done to me and my siblings.

Heyo! I’m going to a convention tomorrow! I’m not going to specify which kind of convention cause I feel that would border on dangerous for me.