Jasmine

I'm glad to be alive. I'm so glad. I understand now. If I didn't go through any hardships, I would've never made it where I am today. I would've never achieved this happiness. And there's so much more happiness to look forward to. It sounds almost sickly twisted to say, but I'm grateful for the hard times I've had, and especially for making it through them. I would not be here if I weren't desperately trying to claw my way out of pain. After 3 years, since 8th grade, I can truly now say, that I feel completely myself. That I feel happy. That I am brave. I can look the younger me in the eye, and not feel guilty about not making her happy. She can proudly look up to me. It's all so surreal. Even just 4 months ago...I would've never imagined that I had made it so far. What even is this life, man? The more time that passes, the more things seem accelerated. I'm proud to be me, I'm proud, proud, proud. It's a feeling I've never felt before. Self-love. I never realized how desperately I lacked it. It's almost like, as soon as I am comfortable with myself and in top condition mentally, I can love and focus on people and things that matter to me MUCH MUCH MUCH better than ever before. It's effortless. I've achieved your goals, 8&9th grade me. Maybe this isn't who you imagined probably xD, but everything you wished to have felt, I feel it. I will never be the same after this. Never. I can confidently say the chapter of my cycles of depression and regression are over, I've gone through the point of no return, and I'm braver still. Now I know I usually talk to the future me who reads this in these posts, but like, I don't have any expectations of you tbh xD. I know you'll do what needs to be done. So. Whenever you read this Jazzy, however many months into the future it may be, report back to me. Know how much I believe in you, but I'm sure you already know that. This feeling seems permanent. Future Jas, GOOD LUCK!!! YOUR LIFE IS EVEN BETTER THAN MINE BUT GOOD LUCK!!! CHEERS!!!

@Vampi_kik Yeah I'm a girl :)

The past 5 days....holy fuck the past 5 days. From actually genuinely killing myself due to my severe, severe, sr evere dysphoria, to, to being blessed with ely....am I living a dream? This can't be real....I was about to kill myself less than 4 days ago...and now I want to live so badly to meet up with her? Is this normal? Is this a miracle? Future me, no matter what happens, never ever forget what Ely did for you. NEVER. No matter what. I'm just gonna end up ranting from here on out, so, I'll cut it short. Love ya Ely, maybe one day we'll read these together <3

Read all ur entries from the beginning I can rlly see the self development and understanding as u matured u had a long way ahead of you 
          Rest in peace 
          
          Love, light jaydah

rest in peace

So I saw some people were planning to spam you and deciding to join , cuh why not?

You’re so real on your boards. I always thought you was on some weird stuff but as I read it you was always speaking facts. MANNN ARE U DEAD FR?? LIKE WHAT? YOU WERE MY BESTIE…YOU CANT LEAVE ME MANN

umm did you kill yourself?

Hey future me, remember the period of time early in 2023 where I was completely lost? Well yeah, here this should work as a time capsule for you. Plus since I usually forget about wattpad and check it like once in a blue moon, this would also be a surprise whenever the next you log in may be. Anyway, I am hopelessly lost and depressed. I have no enjoyment in the shows I watch again, I have no drive forward, nothing. But back when I used to be this same way, I had reasons for depression. Reasons to my condition. "Oh it's because I'm spending too much time talking to woman x" or "I'm spending too much time on the computer" thinking that the solution would be to just ghost the internet. But what I found after my breakthrough of genuine default happiness, these reasons are bullshit. It's the depression that makes me spend a lot of time on the computer without purpose, not talking to a good friend of mine. But you see...now I'm depressed again, and idk why, and especially now knowing that the usual reasons are bull, I really am lost at what to do. I thought once I got happy, the end goal was reached, it was over, I had the formula. BUT, and this is a huge BUT, I mean I know the final product exists now don't I? I was genuinely happy for a time. So of course I'm not giving up. By the way, I view this decline in mental health as something necessary because the past few months I've been stagnant in my growth. But this month has been jammed pack with action. So me and Abdi don't talk anymore, which good, he isn't the best person to be around. I think ever since he told me that his "insults" weren't jokes, I've mentally despised him. So eventually he touched my head and violated my personal bubble and he got backhanded. His mental games after that kind of contributed to my depression but I was already depressed before that. Anyway, this has turned into a rant and not an introspective post so I'll just be ending it here. If ever figure out what caused this, well that'll be fun

I am back on wattpad. Huh. Well...recently as I tried to be the best person I could possibly be, I've quickly matured. And these maturities and ideals that I started developing almost perfectly coincided with the religion of Islam. I had first noticed the shocking parallels a few weeks ago, and as time went on and I worked on myself some more, the parallels only increased exponentially. In Islam, many things are encouraged including being kind to anyone, controlling anger and forgiving others, trying to solve problems in a civil manner, and many others. The ideals I have developed perfectly match the mentioned examples. In the past, officially in late 2020 but existing much longer, I have always questioned islam and the existance of god. In the end of 2020 I declared myself atheist, but now, with a less pessimistic view on the world I have begun to question the lack of existence of god. One thing I failed to recognize for the past year is...I was only questioning one side of the puzzle. I never questioned if god didn't exist, I only denied the existence of god. That was my only what if. The more things that parallel with islam that I do, the happier my life becomes. Although I still think of Islam as a philosophy created by Muhammed to make the world a better place, I wholeheartedly follow him. Maybe in the future as I see more proof of Islam's realness I will truly become a real muslim, but until my faith is real I will remain in the twilight.  The problem with Islam is that it's a bit old, it's rules (such as women needing men to help them do BASIC tasks) are centered around a dangerous time period. As of now, I will try to follow a modernized version of islam, one which my current and future ideologies combine to form. Eventually I'll have to believe in god, because eventually I know I'll see enough of my ideals perfectly coinciding with that of Muhammed. I hope that whatever I choose in the end I am happy with, and is the right choice. 
          
          
          Who am I writing for???