J.S. Havens

Hi

Ok. Restart.
          
          Hey Havens... how are you doing?

Hey dude. How ya doin?

Ello hope you feel better more 

I realize I've been off this app for a few months now, not purposefully, but I have. If you've been keeping up for a while, you'll know that I've been dealing mental health issues. 
          
          Therapy has been good, but it's slow. I find it difficult to open up to any human being, so my therapy has sort of stagnated. I'm not making the progress that I want to be for really no reason at all, because of this, I've lost the energy to do most things that I find enjoyable, writing for instance. 
          
          I have not touched any of my works in months, and I have no plans to do so. With my moods so inconsistent, I don't think it would be a good idea to do so anyhow, as I feel I wouldn't like anything I write the day after I've written it. 
          
          Coming back to my mental health, I'm writing this message in a low, meaning I'm just massively depressed, does this mean that when I'm in a high "happy-go-lucky" mood that my thoughts will change about writing? Unlikely, sadly. But I can assure you that I've made some progress in my therapy, and I want to continue to make progress, not matter how slow that progress may be. 

I hope you're doing better. 

I've got an update on myself. If you've been reading my posts on here, you'll know that I have been struggling emotionally. 
          
          Good news first! I've started counseling and the plan is to see if that will do me any good, still debating on whether or not I'll use medication. In a similar vein of helping myself, I'm going to slowly pick writing back up and maybe I'll have chapter five from RUNAWAY ready to be posted on here around summertime. 
          
          Now on a sour note, just last week, Thursday night, I had what I would describe as an anxiety "attack," for lack of a better word. I broke down, it was terrible, not my first break down; I'm not really sure what to add to that topic. 
          
          In this global pandemic, there's not a lot to be said to actually encourage others. It's hard on so many people right now, but it can't last forever, so there is hope at least. I don't know much about it, so I won't pretend too, but I do hope that everyone is having a much better time with it all than I am. 
          
          As a side note, does anyone know of good, user-friendly, easy-to-use, (possibly free), visual storyline creators?

So, I know my plan was to go through the process of getting a mental diagnosis, however, since the COVID-19 situation arose I won't be able to. This is horrible, since my state banned every large gathering of people possible, I can't go to school, I can't go to my church, and it has me more stressed over school.
          
          My schooling now consists of online Zoom sessions, which I'm sure if you too are going through a similar process, is highly irritating. 1) you have the teachers that are really good with it; 2) you have the teachers that are trying their best; and 3) you have the teachers that just gave you a stupid amount of homework since they have no idea what to do with online schooling, or how it should work. 
          
          Basically, teachers #3 makes life harder than it should be. Which certainly doesn't help me stay calm, hence why the COVID-19 situation has really effed with me mentally. I know people like animals, but... they keep giving us viruses, can we just stay away from them??

I know these posts are lengthy, but they're comforting in a way. Someone left a comment on one of these posts, suggesting I take time off from Wattpad to just focus on myself, thank you for the comment, you worded it much more nicely and sincerely than I could have. I genuinely appreciate the kind words I've gotten on Wattpad since I've joined the community. I'm sorry I don't remember your username, but in response, Wattpad is my home, it's helped me in the past with my emotional self, helped me put my emotions into words... it's not a stressor, for me at least, it helps. Just like these posts help, it's a trope that talking about this sort of stuff helps, but it has actually had an affect for me. And if these help you too, then I'm more than willing to share. 

I've been looking at getting a diagnosis for my mental health, researching when I've felt up to it. I'm away from home, so I can't go and really see a doctor that I could have testing with. A week from now, I'll be on a plane and headed home, where I will then make an appointment. 
          
          As I might have stated previously, I'm visiting family in another state. Sadly, this while trip has made my symptoms (ones I'm consciously aware of) worse. What isn't helping me, is that I've not told anyone of my family about my concerns of myself. I want too, but at the same time I can't bring myself to do it. 
          
          I'm not scared of them, I know they're accepting (a family member has gone through a similar process), I'm legitimately scared of myself. I've become more and more physical with friends in recent months, which, for someone who barely accepted a hug from a close friend for years, is scary. When I've been upset or angry in the past I've controlled it, I've left rooms, I've even left a building before to get away from the situation. I have punched things, kicked things, slammed things into other things, and probably done more actions that I've blocked out. Either way, I don't have the option of simply walking away here, I can't drive in this state, and I also have nowhere to go.