Jackie636

I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about this or opened up about it, but honestly, I hate myself.
          
          I got into social media because I was looking for people to give me the love and attention I never really got from my family. And looking back, I know that was the wrong choice.
          
          I’ve made so many mistakes because I never really had anyone to guide me or tell me what was right and wrong. I always wished my dad would take me to school, check on me, or just care about me. Whenever someone tells me I’m pretty, I’m genuinely surprised because I don’t think I’ve ever heard that from my own family. I grew up hearing that I was ugly, useless, or a failure.
          
          I think I’m one of those people who needed love more than anything, but I never really found it. I needed even the smallest amount of attention just to feel strong enough to face life.
          
          I wanted so many people to love me. Some left, and some never really loved me at all. Maybe no one truly understands me, but I really was just looking for love. I needed it so badly, and I honestly believe I would’ve been a much better person if I had received it.
          
          I’m grateful to everyone who has ever been a part of my life and stayed patient with me, even when I wasn’t easy to deal with.
          
          I just hope this is the last thing I ever post, because I’m genuinely tired. I hate the way my life feels right now, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep feeling like this.

Life is not fair. The person who caused my pain is sleeping peacefully, while I am here in the hospital. 

"I need to get something off my chest. For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like I wasn't enough or even attractive, all because of my family. Since I was little, they constantly put me down, even though the rest of the world saw me differently. I grew up with so much violence; my father used to hit me all the time when I was only nine. Back then, all I wanted was a little bit of love and attention, but I never got it. Instead, they sent me away to live with my aunt. I remember waiting by the window every single night, hoping they’d come back for me. That experience scarred me—it turned into this deep, paralyzing fear of abandonment. I’m constantly terrified that everyone will eventually leave me. They broke my spirit so much that I sought validation online, hoping that if I became famous and strangers told me I was beautiful, I would finally believe it. But I realized that no matter how many people admire me, I still can’t love myself. My family’s voice is just louder than everyone else's. Even now, if someone gets too close to me—even as a joke—I flinch. I’m instantly back to being that little girl, crying and begging my father to stop. They made me feel so weak. I’m 16 now, but I’m still trapped in that pain. I honestly just hate myself.

Baby, you need my hug, and I need yours too. So come closer, put your hands on my waist, and pull me near you.

تطوف حولها برائّه أبديه، لن تتشوه أبداً مثل براعم الربيع.

But why did you do this to me? I truly loved you. Did my love for you make you this way? I never expected all these words to come from you to me. Was I really a source of annoyance to you all this time? But why did you try to get close to me? Why did you try for me? Did you want to hurt me in the end? I am writing all this now with tears in my eyes. I feel something is suffocating me. I have lost everything. I used to tell you about my father who abuses me and about my family who hate me, and I told you that I am afraid of separation, but you left me too. Everything I was afraid of, you did now. Why? Do I deserve this? After all this love, do I deserve all this hurt? You were my source of security, and now my security is lost for the second time. 

Some people learn from a young age how to comfort and hold themselves together not because they are naturally strong but because no one was ever available to listen to their pain So they smile silence becomes their language and they hide their hurt deep inside as if it were a secret that must stay hidden They appear steady and capable on the outside standing tall but on the inside there is a constant war a struggle between a heart that wants to scream and a soul that has grown used to suppressing its pain....... 

You are far from me and with someone else, but have you forgotten what you said? You told me that you are mine. Tell her, too, that you are mine. Do not let the fires of my jealousy burn. Come closer to me, hold me in your arms, and say: "I am yours," so that my heart may find peace.

On September 8th at 4 a.m. I lost my cat. I loved her so much, but she left me. I couldn’t save her. I miss you, Katy. I hope you didn’t feel any pain when you died, but you were suffering so much. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. . 
          
          

"I was with him under the rain when I heard the sound of thunder. I hugged him, laughed, and said, 'Thunder is beautiful; it sometimes stops my heart from fear.' He looked into my eyes and said, 'The thunder makes your heart stop often. What about me? When I look into your eyes, I feel like my heart will stop.' And then he kissed my eyes. I told him that a kiss on the eyes is only for farewell. He said, 'How can I leave you after kissing your eyes?.