I told you I'd come back some time this century.
Wow! I can't believe it's been nine long years. This account was ancient history for me and I somehow stumbled onto it again after so long!
The janegray9 in 2017 would not believe that we now have thinking machines, impending WW3 and lasting impacts of a global pandemic. This janegray9 is now in grad school, lives on her own, meal preps, and cares for people.
For me, this account has become a weird little time capsule where a part of teenage me is still astir. She had a vigor for life which I desperately need again.
When I first signed back in and looked through my old works, a mix of embarrassment and nostalgia hit me like a truck. I realized that I had not worked on a creative piece for nine years! I had done my best to write the occasional English lit assignments, college apps and cover letters, of course, but I have subdued the janegray9 in me, re-packaged her into a convenient, inconspicuous, marketable persona. Heaven forbid I ever be "cringe". Over the years I have let myself be dulled into an unoriginal, placid version of what I once was. Is this my quarter life crisis? Who knows!
Not all things are lost though! Now, I find myself being rich with experience and spite. Simply said, I am tired, exhausted, even. I want to stand out, and I want to be creative. My world has been reduced to a slew of never ending, exacting 'tasks', mapped onto planners, schedules and to-do lists.
I crave expression and I ache for creativity. I do not have the patience for fitting in anymore. So, to start going back to my roots and re-discovering myself, I plan to write again, I want to word-vomit and make mistakes and have run on sentences. But most importantly, I want to write for myself.
If you're still here after all these years, I hope life has been good to you. I am so, so glad to be back!
