Following more failures, I've decided that for the time being, I am going to be writing solely for myself. This is not a tactic to gain validation or compliments. I simply cannot handle the stress of presenting my work for others to judge when I myself don't even like what I produce. Plagued with a multitude of self-esteem issues that have been brought to light by my most recent endeavors, I've come to the realization that I cannot handle the immense pressure that it puts on me. Even now, my gut is wrenching with nerves. I know that it cannot be good for me to go on like this, working and working to get nothing, no acknowledgement despite my view count rising. All it leads me to do is ask a thousand questions, over analyze my work to the point that it drives me insane. And in my insanity, I have dragged others down. In truth, it's entirely my fault. If I didn't have such an insatiable desire to be liked and to succeed, I wouldn't hate myself and my work to the point that I can no longer stand to release it. Writing is cathartic to me, so I'll continue writing for myself. Maybe I'll finally publish it when I reach a better mental space. I cannot say how long it will take, as my convalescence has been very slow so far, but at least for now, I'm moving out of the tiny spotlight that I've set up. Nothing has shined beneath it since it was placed.
