JeonRose_1012
Just gonna say it here 'cause I know no one here knows me personally, and that's better..
I'm getting VERY scared of own thoughts.. Intrusive thoughts comes often, randomly, suddenly, whatever... I'm scared that I might actually do what I think...
A lot of times, I want to feel the pain, physically, with that red liquid coming out... Weird but when I get wounds cuts I really like watching the red thing comes out and flow down (my own, not others- don't like that, eww).. I guess it's scary and disturbing; I feel the same but I also like it..
Wanting to feel that pain, why? idk... Sometimes, no particular reason.. Sometimes when I feel lonely, got jealous of other people being happy (with their friends or whatever reason)... Afraid that the people I thought I'm close with now in school will start distancing to me (is that the correct grammar??).. Most of the people in school are new to me (new school— for college), classes just started a month ago, and my blockmates and I don't know much about each other yet.. and because we had this group activity, I didn't become group mates with the 2 people I think I'm close with because the groups were made by counting... Since they're both sociable, of course it's easy for them to be friends with others... I see that now, they're close with their group mates for the activity.. I'm just afraid that my 2 "friends" will always come with them and leave me.... I'm not sociable, I don't talk a lot, I'm not good at speaking, I'm very boring, so it's not surprising if that happens, especially it already happened to me before...
JeonRose_1012
To my parents tho, idk if it's favoritism or what but I jealous sometimes even if it's jst a small thing...
I'm a middle child, I have an older sibling who just graduated from college and a younger one who's still in 3rd grade (we have a big age gap)...
I feel jealous even with little things like, my siblings' grad pics (college, kindergarten) where displayed but mine (SHS grad pic) is not, just kept in the cabinet... yeah, we only have small space and there really is a very limited space to put pics but still-
Also food! When my older sibling is not home yet or busy with studies, my mom would keep some food for him even before we start eating ..... And when it's me who's busy with studies, they don't keep food for me, what's left is what I have to eat...
These are not that bad, but I just feel jealous, feeling that *sometimes* they don't care much about be compared to my siblings...
I mean, I also understand, my parents are really taking care of my older sibling because he's the oldest.. I believe they also have some expectations from him.. We're not rich, not even in the middle class anymore, I guess our parents are expecting him to have a good career since he's smart, very hardworking, determined, resourceful, etc..
And of course they really need to take care of my younger sibling.. she's not even 10 yrs old yet,, not yet matured and still needs some guidance..
JeonRose_1012
Don't I have someone in my life? I do, my family, but I don't want to be a burden to them as they also have many problems... They're very supportive and let me do things that I want and encourages me to do something new that will help me..
I'm just the type of person who's very reserved, introverted, quiet, insecured, doesn't know how to express feelings, bottles up problems, etc ... I want to improve myself but it's very hard, especially that those intrusive thoughts keep coming when I don't feel good....