Danny Devito is the single most attractive man I have ever laid my eyes on. I saw this meme about a year ago which involved Danny picking up a condom and saying it's for his magnum dong. It touched me spiritually. Since that moment, my life has never been truly the same. Sure, I still do lawn bowls on the weekends. I still attend work. But every second I spend away from Danny Devito, is another second I could be spending WITH Danny Devito. I tell my coworkers that the reason I run off to the toilets every 20 minutes is because I have a bad case of diarrhoea, but in reality I'm browsing for pictures of my chunky M&M to furiously masturbate to. I regret nothing, and don't plan on stopping anytime soon. But my friends and family are starting to get suspicious. I've used the same excuse every day for almost 2 years now. They're starting to annoy me. My life is starting to annoy me. I used to admire them, but now all they are to me are disgusting piles of shit stopping me from spending the rest of my life with Danny Devito. My weekends consist of staring at a poster of Danny Devito for 48 hours, then back to hell for another 5 days. I'm getting tired of everyone's bullshit. I need to find Him, so we can grow old and die together. I want to be cremated and my ashes to be mixed with His.