🌷

I lived bitch 

I got a first!?!?? For my uni project?!??? I’m?!???

Something happy haha I have officially reached 20 years of age :) 

TW: depression, mention of suicide. 
          
          So I guess I need to vent a little? I’ve been bottling up a lot of thoughts lately and my therapist was like that’s a big no no so yeah… I’ve been formally diagnosed with depression now and am taking medications and attending regular therapy. It’s so weird, I feel guilty. Like I shouldn’t be like this, like I should’ve known better; I’m supposed to be better than this. I’ve been told time and time again that depression doesn’t make me weak and that there’s no shame in needing help, but I can’t help but feel like I should have been able to control myself; one trip to A&E and boom I am being labelled as suicidal and depressed. I hate it, it feels like I’m sick but I don’t feel sick (sometimes anyway). Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be back to who I was a few years ago, that happy go lucky person who seems so foreign now. I hope I can get better soon, I’m trying my hardest but it is really difficult. The medications are helping but they are also not at the same time, little suppressants I take when things get really bad, but it never goes away; just puts the bad things on pause. I try not to take them as much as possible it sometimes the thoughts are so damn loud, it physically hurts. I think this helped, it felt good to type it all out, to whoever, if anyone ever reads this, I am so sorry. 

Happy new year my dudes, hopefully 2021 is marginally better than the hot mess 2020 was :)

So I just binge watched The Mandalorian (finally got around to watching it haha) and oh boy I can feel the immanent obsession hitting me like a ton of bricks 

My dad has decided that we’re going to play Uno tonight, this will not end well :) 

Happy holidays everyone! I hope that you’re all safe and happy and most importantly I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with lots of love and joy! ❤️✨

So therapy is 10/10 would highly recommend. I’ve been getting a lot better at communicating how I feel and what I can do to help that, not completely on the road to betterment yet but I’m getting better one baby step at a time haha. 
          2020 has sucked for so many reasons but this tiny achievement has made it a little better :) 
          Hope whoever reads this is doing well, I hope you are safe and happy! 
          Happy holidays! ❤️

TW: suicide.
          
          Yesterday, I found out that a very close friend of mine took his life. I’m not really sure how to deal with it. 
          He struggled with so much but I genuinely thought he’d be able to pull through, he went to therapy regularly and bit by bit you could see him feeling lighter and happier. We frequently talked about our troubles and I genuinely believed in him. I felt so sure that he was capable of reaching happiness. Things seemed like they were on the road to getting somewhat better for him; I guess I was wrong. 
          I miss him so much. He had so much to say, so many things he wanted to accomplish, a dream he was working hard to fulfil; it breaks my heart knowing that he couldn’t reach his goals. 
          He was the friend that you could count on to make you happy. The friend that always made you laugh.
          I still can’t fully wrap my head around the fact that he’s gone, I’ll never see him again, never hug him again, never talk to him again. I want to see him so badly. I can’t imagine what he must have felt, I only hope that he is now at peace. 
          I miss him so much and I will miss him every day. I wholeheartedly wish he didn’t go down this route and talked to someone first, but deep down, I’m somewhat for lack of better term, happy for him. I know that he’s now at peace. As morbid as it may sound, we talked about what we’d like to become after we die, we’d both like to become stars, so I’ll continue to admire him. just now I’ll be quite far from him as he shines in our night sky, as beautiful as ever. I love him and I will miss him. I can’t wait to see him again one day. Until then, I’ll continue to watch him from my window. 
          
          I’m sorry that this is quite a heavy thing to read through and I am also sorry if I sounded quite strange, I’m still rather dazed and this is how I’m dealing with it I guess. Things have honestly been awful. I just can’t believe he’s actually like gone gone you know? I miss him so much.