Hi! If it’s okay, I’ll just say this—there are more ways of improving your story.
First of all, it’s too fast—there’s a solid storyline and it’s intriguing, but many will be confused with the fast pace.
You’re leaning in too fast. Too much.
It’s hard for the readers to grasp what’s going on—milk it out. Let the readers have some wiggle room, get comfortable with the characters, understand each person’s personality. Then add in suspense—just flickers of doubt or mysterious happenings/sightings. Then a break—they all stop, just for a moment.
And then:
Hit the readers hard with something that’s not too heavy or deep but not too light either. Example: someone the mc knows dies. Just the milkman, maybe? Or the security officer that always shares their donuts with the mc? A certain relation.
Then everything can go to the downward spiral of linking chain effects. MC solves one mystery. Another. Another. Another.
And then.. the biggest one pops out.
Unsolvable, unfathomable, terrifying. Involving the MC themselves.
Make it clickable. You have five seconds to convince the readers to stay. You have to HOOK them in—with a creative storyline or narration. From what I could tell, (no offense) it looks like a cliché mystery novel. It’s good but make it refreshing. This is all my opinion on your work, but despite that it’s good, in a sense, I think that drawing your story out will really help the flow of it. Redrafting it all also helps.
If you’d want more help in this, feel free to reach out to me! I’ll help, no charges needed. (Though I’m busy, so late replies should be expected)
By the way, you should also end in cliffhangers. I’ve been reading the second chapter and the last sentence didn’t quite encourage readers to continue but good work anyways. Hope this helps!
