JustLeaveMeAlone_TT

My life is a mess right now. I mean it isn't that bad, but still. 
          
          Ok, let's name them A, N, G, H, D, and Y. These r the first initials of my closest friends. Basically A and N are sisters, and A, N, and Y are in a different school than me. G and H know D, but D went to a different middle school than the rest of us. So, I first had a crush on G, and now I have a crush on D. D thinks I still have a crush on G, G and H know I have a crush on a girl, but H doesnt know who. A knows who I have a crush on by name and everything, and I think G knows her name too. but she might have forgot. Y knows I have a crush on a girl. D basically knows all my friends (she had met G and H, but I've told her a lot Abt A, N, and Y). N knows I have a crush and she thinks it's on a guy. Now I'm inviting A, N, G, H, and D for a sleepover (I'm not inviting Y bcs he's a guy and that would be awkward) and it's going to be a huge mess. Am I still going to do it? Heck ya.

My anxiety's being a bitch again. I thought it was getting better but ig not. And usually when I feel off I watch minsung content or listen to music, but both aren't working anymore T-T. oh, and I got my scores back on the SAT. Well, i didn't do too great...let's just say that. I'm gonna retake it anyway. Its fine (its not).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I know its not your birthday yet, but I won't be able to send this tomorrow. 
          
          https://www.canva.com/design/DAGquaHVq7o/Lr4Zewmom0vRKqOE7KNBng/edit?utm_content=DAGquaHVq7o&utm_campaign=designshare&utm_medium=link2&utm_source=sharebutton

So wattpads tweaking and it's not sending notifications for updates. I wrote a new poem, and it means a lot to me (I may or may not have cried while writing it) and it's super personal, so please give it a read 

Alright, I don't really know how to explain this that well, but I feel like I'm becoming more like my toxic friend (@ocean_stay39 i think i told u a lot abt her before). 
          
          To sum it up, basically I had this one friend since I was 5, and she was EXTREMELY toxic. Like she would cause me emotional distress. And I finally cut her off in 8th grade, and the only reason I was able to was because we were going to different high schools and I already had a lot going on then, so she was only extra trouble for me. 
          
          But now, I feel like I was overreacting. Like, maybe the things she did wasn't that bad. I feel like maybe I was the toxic one in the situation. I don't know. I'm just overthinking it, right? I was thinking about it last night and I was going over whatever happened in that 8 year time span, and yes, she did do questionable things, but I feel like I made them seem like it was toxic. Idk. Well, basically I blocked her recently (like at the start of this year) bcs i kept getting texts from her, both dms and in the gc I have with my friends in middle school. And I know for my bday she will dm me, and I feel like that will just cause a fight again. But I don't want to unblock her either. 
          
          Oh ya, I'm cooked for the exam. I almost cried last night bcs of the stress, and I woke up this morning thinking of math formulas and how to solve math problems. Wow.

funny story. ok basically uk how I have an egg allergy right? so i can only have small amounts of products that have egg in it. so i usually wont have more than a bite out of something ik that has egg. 
          
          Well, on friday my dad took us to the Cheesecake factory and he bought us some AMAZINGGG cheesecake. well, the thing is, the main ingredient in cheesecake is cream cheese. and the main ingredient in that is egg. and for the actual cake part, they use a lot of eggs to make it fluffy. so, my dad bought it and warned me that it might have egg in it, so i should only have a bite. well...it was too good...i ate half of the slice. and i started to feel weird, and I CONTINUED TO EAT. WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME?! anygays. i wasn't able to sleep for a good 2 or 3 hrs bcs my stomach hurt that badly. and the thing is, i needed to wake up at 2:30 am the next day so we could drive back home (this was when i was still out of town). the plan was for me to wake up early and help my mom with last minute packing. but i didn't let my mom sleep bcs i kept going to the bathroom bcs i felt sick, and my mom didn't wake me up until 20 minutes before we were going to leave so I could sleep even a lil. ughhh i felt so useless that day (but my stomach still hurt so i didn't complain).

i need to get a j-word soon (job)

ok so a lot-ish happened. I went on a trip to another state with my fam bcs of my dad's work, so that was fun. I had to study a lot though (FRICKING SAT). i just got back last night, so i'm finally able to get on wattpad. Also, I broke my laptop and my dad's realllllly mad at me right now...yeah...
          
          i should start writing again. I have had this idea for a story since 7th grade, and i've been driving myself insane bcs im unable to write it. like, i feel like i can't do the story justice yet. should i just go for it anyway?

so, a lot of things happened today. i went to the pool with my close friends, and it was really fun. we were just being a bunch of public nuisances and being upset over how people didn't believe that we were 18 (you had to be 18 to get into the hot tub, and we just dipped our feet in before we got kicked out). well, the whole day today, my mom has been fighting people on the phone. and i don't know why (well i know why, but i wish i didn't). it's like family drama. my family is REALLY messed up. to sum it up(there is a lot more to it), my mom's brother passed a decade before I was born, and there is some drama surrounding that. and recently one of my mom's uncle passed, and there is A LOT of drama around that. people fighting over land and wealth, and yeah...
          I mean, i get it, people did you wrong. but talking about it all day and yelling on the phone over it all day isn't going to change anything. i feel like I should at least try and do something, but I just get ignored every time. idk. i'm just blasting Ateez to try and drown it out.

i went to the doctor's today, and it was pretty chill. I had worn make up over my scars, but she didn't check those, so i was fine. i did tell her abt how I feel dizzy, faint, and want to black out often, and its bcs i have low blood pressure. lol. My dad freaked out when he heard that, so that's that. My mom promised me boba, so im going to watch a show and draw until then hehe