A Hot Mess

It’s been a while, huh? 
          
          
          So much shit has happened. I’m not sure if I should delete this account and start over or change my name and rebrand or if I should leave it or anything. 
          
          I’ve missed all of you every day. You are, and always will be, my kiddos. Nothing will ever change that. My love towards you could never change, but my love towards myself has faltered once again. 
          
          Just, tell me if you want me to start over. Tell me what to do.

When the hell did my shitty one shot book with literally one shot become 157 in Deciet? Deciet isn't even in the book wtf

Hi kids! 
          I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I decided it's time to tell all of you lovely people. As you may or may not know, I've been having a rough time working through all of my issues the last couple of months, and I came to the conclusion that it would be best if I wrote them down. And what better place to pour your heart out than a site that feasts on fanfics? My point is, I'm going to write a book. Purely me, purely my struggles. Read it if you want, ignore it if you don't. The first part will come out sometime soon, although I don't know when. I love you all. Stay safe.

Heya kiddos! Today has been the first amazing day I've had in at least 2 months. I couldn't stop smiling, and I laughed harder than I have in a very, very long time. I started the day off with the new Sanders Sides (which was awesome, btw), my roommate made me breakfast because she's that amazing, I hung out with all of my kiddos (This has been the first day that we've all been together in at least 4 months), and we're all gonna go out to dinner tonight. So, I figured, if I'm hanging out with all of my IRL kiddos today, how bout hang out with some of the internet ones for a while too? How was all of your days? I hope they where as astounding as mine was. I love you all!
          
          Oh, and, In no relation at all, Happy April Fools Day!
          I might have some theories as to why Thomas posted the SS today but don't mind me.
          
          ALSO THOMAS'S BIRTHDAY IS THIS MONTH HHNNNNNN

I have made a lot of changes in the past couple of hours. I changed my profile pic and background in hour one, my about page in hour three, and now, at hour 5, I have just dyed my hair green. Like, literally. It might have been a spare of the moment decision, but I did it. And I actually really love it.

@xXAestheticAnxietyXx You have no idea how much this means to me. To have someone out there telling me that I do deserve this, it makes me cry. You are such and amazing person. Never change, bean. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

One of my kiddos for instance- Virgil- their mom died when they where just 10. They've had to grow up without that guiding light. Without the person to cheer them on. Without my mom I would no longer be alive. And I know so many of you go through, and are going through stuff like that everyday. And I can still find a way to be fake. It's like I have a different personality for all of my many kiddos. It's like in Gravity Falls. I put in so many fake smiles, false identities, and hope that one of them catches. And sometimes they do. But it's never a good one. I wish I could start over. Like this was Undertale and I have some kind of magic Reset button. I don't know. Why is all of this important? Over the years of being this person, of living this life, I have given myself some sort of complexion. Or some sort of Anxiety. Depends which way you look at it. When I first made an account on this website, I thought of how fun it would be. And don't get me wrong, it has been. I have made so many amazing friends, read so many inspiring stories, talked with so many amazing authors, it's been breathtaking. I have followed people, and had people follow me. Hell, I'm even in a family here.

started to cut. But let's not give them all the credit. I was- and still am- not a nice person. Especially to my brother. I would hurt him, and then hurt myself, and then in turn get stuck again and again in an endless cycle in which the only thing I could think to do was cut. My family never found out about it, I was a hella sneaky kid. I used to wear a lot of bracelets and things on my wrists and would never ever wear shorts. Bet you can't guess where I cut. Back to the part about me being a generally toxic person. Have you ever heard of Dear Evan Hansen? Do you know who Connor Murphy is? I am the Connor for my family. I love them all so much. I would through away the world for them. Hell, they're the world for me. But I am also the most horrible person to them. After all of the shit they've been through, I still persist to make their lives hell. I'm not telling you this so that you can feel bad for me. I'm not telling this so that you can feel bad for them. I'm telling you this so that you understand when I tell you that sometimes I wish someone would kill me. Break in my house in the middle of the night and slit my throat. And then I think, no, you don't deserve to be asleep. When you're asleep it doesn't hurt. You deserve pain. But then I think well, that's not right, you don't deserve anything. How the hell can I think that I deserve to die and think that I also deserve to stay alive at the same time? I guess which ever one hurts worse will be my final answer. To this day, and yes I counted, we've already established that I have severe mental issues, I have tried to kill myself, attempted suicide, whatever, 17 times. And all 17 I have seen the dark creep into my eyes, heard the ringing in my ears, felt the weight drain from my head, and yet I have been too scared. I want to die so bad sometimes, I actually scare myself. I'll stop in the hallway, like actually stop everything I'm doing, and think. Think about all of the people who have it worse then I do.

Hello kiddos! As you may or may not have noticed, I have been on hiatus for quite awhile. Probably since January, and that was a long time ago. I had to take a break and step back from all of this- this meaning social media- because of mental issues and home problems. In order to fully explain myself, let me give you a little bit of information about me. I have an older sister (by how old is of no importance to this story) and a twin brother. When we were very young, but still old enough to understand what was going on, my parents split up and later got divorced. A very common occurrence now days, but that's where the case differs. My parents got divorced, stopped seeing each other, however you want to phrase it, because of my dad. My dad was raised in a traditional way, the oldest of his three brothers, always looking out for them. I don't know where, but somewhere along the line he convinced himself that in order to look out for his brothers, he had to be mean. This eventually led to his complete anger and need for control over every one in his life. Even his children. Especially his children. My dad emotionally and mentally abused my mom for 15 years, my sister for 14, my brother and I for 8, before we eventually escaped and parted ways. Well, my mom and sister escpaed. Where I live, the laws are that you have to be 16 in order to decide which parent you want to live with in the case of a divorce. Which is pretty damn stupid. My dad eventually got remarried, and my gods are they perfect for each other, because she's exactly like him. She never had her own kids so she claimed us like her own. Ever seen Cinderella? She was my evil step-mom. Still is, if we're being technical. Day after day they would ridicule us about things we could not help. The way our bodys are shaped, the way we pronounce certain words, they say we walk, our senses of humor, among many other things that they chose to nit-pick. It go so bad at one point, my self-hatred grew so strong, that I

So, I have returned. I'm so sorry that I've been gone, I know I've missed some very important things. Sometimes I get so stressed about keeping up with all of everyone's amazing lives that I find it easier to ignore notifications, although I know it's not helping anyone. There was a point that I though it I stayed off of this app for long enough, they would automatically delete my account and I'd be forgotten. Though that thought does still seem more appealing than dealing with the outside world, I am sorry. Thank you all for being amazing. I love you. -Pat