*panics in pan*

Vent warning.
          
          My girlfriend had asked me a while ago. 'why don't you smile often?' when she asked it I didn't really know but now I do. I don't smile a lot because Im so used to not having much to smile about. I have a resting face of a frown not because I'm upset or sad it's because at one point that's is all I was feeling.. sadness.. guilt.. unmotivated.. I had nothing to smile about in my mind. I had this feeling for so long that I tend to smile on the inside more then the outside. Yet I tend to not show sadness either. Mainly because of what my dad says. 'you have nothing to cry about' or my step dad with 'ill give you something to cry about' or my mom 'you have no reason to be sad' ... I held onto these words and I use them on myself without even knowing it. And with that new mind set I used to put on a happy mask. That if I don't show that I'm not okay that it would get better. A band-aid over a gash that was growing... Soon that mask started to crack. And when I kept denying it and poeple kept buying it I started to get upset. Thinking 'why cant they see I'm hurting they know something's off why do they just brush it off like it's nothing.. ' but.. someone did notice.. I mean I was able to be so much more open with her and my feelings.. it was my girlfriend.. she's here for me and I'm here for her.. Im still having trouble opening up more but.. she helps me.. I don't know what I'd do with out her... 

merry christmas everyone!

I have a snape x reader um ya know if you um wanna read it not that I'm forcing you to I'm just telling you cause no ones reading it- now it feels like I'm begging you to read it so imma stop now okay bye–

When you put your heart and soul into your new book but no ones reading it so it makes you feel like shit and makes you think that your a terrible writer even though you try your best.

Hello

HEY! IM NOT DEAD!!! Just took a very long break I wasnt in the right headspace but now I'm way better

You doing good?

I had a dream yesterday. Were. I saw my guy friend that i secretly love. (For about 3 years now) at first he didn't recognize me. But them after a second he realized. After we picked up our friendship as if nothing happened between the years apart. But then. It was either me forgeting or him i don't know but. One of us (i don't remember who) was now gloden. And turning to dust. As if the memorys were fading away. I started to cry i grabed ahold of the memory and started to shout "please don't go!" And "Dont leave me!" One of us had faded away from the others memory. No trace left. 
          
          
          I woke up crying. Good thing me and my sister sleep in the same room because i would have been crying for about an hour.

I wanna curl up and die.  Life is hell.