That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone then you walk away in the same direction...

"Did you just fall?"
            "No. I attacked the floor."
"Backwards?"
            "I'm freaking talented!"

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

As you get older three things happen: the first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

It matters not whether you win or lose. What matters is whether I win or lose.