Sam

Hi!! I’m not sure if you’ll see this but can I ask you a question?

Hello

Okay. I'm going to write one more chapter in cursed to Love You then I'm going to be taking another break (sorry). But I've signed up for three fanfic bingos and as an author for a movie big bang. I have a schedule and I have Saturdays as my one day to not write. I still might.
          
          Anyways, as I write my bingo fics I'll upload them here. I've signed up for:
          
          -Marvel Fluff (25 fics) 
          -Supernatural Fluff (25 fics)
          -Supernatural Kink (25 fics)
          
          Once I get all my cards each one should be posting one a week, maybe every other week if it's longer or I didn't have time to write it. 

Okay, I know I don't have a lot of followers, but there's this awesome website every author and/or reader should check out.
          
          You can write original books on it, get feedback from people you select to read. You can also go in as a reader (you can be a reader and author) and get people to select you to preview their stories. As a reader you can filter out certain genres and say that you really enjoy other ones. You can use a Pen name or your real name, change it for certain books, whatever. You can also decline invites to read a book. You can use it free but you can get a subscription for moolah. It's just these two guys running it, and they're hoping to make it more popular.
          
          Anyway, I discovered this about 3 weeks ago, and have been asked to read 9 books. I think this is an awesome website, and I'm planning on uploading the first chapter to my original book soon.
          
          Here's a link if you want to try it out >> https://betabooks.co/referrals/k45919
          
          Awesome website, highly recommend. 

Me: *drawing on my phone*
          Dad: Have you drawn anything lately?
          Me: Uh... *looks down at screen* Nope. Not since I last showed you.
          Dad: Oh, you should draw me.
          Me: Yeah. Sure. *goes back to drawing me after-sex picture of Destiel where Dean is trying to sneak off but Cas wakes up*

Don't you just love those middle of the night thoughts just before you fall asleep and you're like "Omg, I'm a fucking GENIUS!" and then you wake up and you're just like, "What the actual fuck, brain?"
          
          Last night it was about 4am and I started thinking.
          
          "Okay, so Grindr is a hookup site, right? Grind-r. Grind. It's an app to find people to grind on. Tumblr follows a similar format. Tumblr. Tumble-r. Tumble. Why Tumblr?"
          
          "..."
          
          "Oh shit. It's because.... Because we Tumble into the pits of Hell through the website. That... That makes sense." 

Me at 1am in the morning the night before the first day of school this year: I should sleep.
          
          My insomnia: Nope, ain't happening.
          
          Me: But sleep...
          
          My brain: I like sleep, I need sleep.
          
          Me: Goddammit not right now brain! I love Supernatural quotes as much as the next guy but not now!
          
          Me: Now, to lay down and get some sleep.
          
          My insomnia: Nuh-uh
          
          My brain: I know what will help.
          
          Me: God, anything.
          
          My brain: Watch Dear Evan Hansen
          
          Me: What the fuck--No!
          
          My brain: D O  I T
          
          Me: I don't want to cry!
          
          My brain: Just do it!
          
          Me: *watches DEH, how the tears pour at the end* Happy? Can I sleep now?
          
          My insomnia: Nope. Never again.
          
          Me: Then what the hell am I supposed to do!?
          
          My brain: Micheal in the bATHROOM
          
          Me: GODDAMMIT NO I'M ALREADY IN EMOTIONAL DISTRESS!
          
          My brain: Supernatural Season 12/13 finale
          
          Me: FINE! I'LL JUST GO TO SCHOOL CRYING I GUESS BECAUSE SCREW MY MENTAL HEALTH!
          
          My brain: There we go... 

OH MY GOD GUYS!
          
          ME AND MY MOM TOTALLY ALMOST DROVE THROUGH A SUPERNATURAL SET AT RIVERVIEW HOSPITAL EARLIER THIS WEEK!
          
          So, we were down in Vancouver cause I had a ticket for ii. And we have like 8 hours before the show so I was like "You mom, we should stalk supernatural stuff." and she was like "Sure!"
          
          So we looked up places that they've filled, and Riverview had been used in quite a few episodes. Including "The End" (5x04) where Dean goes to face Lucifer!Sam.
          
          So we were like "Let's go there! That seems like an awesome place!"
          
          So we were driving around and it was super cool and creepy. Got some pictures of me at the entrance. And then we saw like the tall filming platforms and we were like, "Huh, that's weird. Wonder what's filming here." and there was security. And they stopped us but we just said we were lost.
          
          So then we were try g to get out. But the road is like a loop back into the highway, so we were going, and then there were a bunch of RVs, and black vans and all this shit so we were like "SHIT, SHIT! ABORT! ABORT!"
          
          And we didn't know what was filming there. But then I saw the @spntapeball Instagram post. AND THAT IS ATTHE STAIRS OF RIVERVIEW! LIKE, I STOOD ON THOSE STAIRS, I CLIMBED THEM! I WAS WERE J2M HAVE BEEN, WERE THE TAPE BALL HAS BEEN!
          
          So yeah, I'm totally freaking out now. CAUSE I TECHNICALLY WENT ON A CURRENT SUPERNATURAL FILMING SET WHILE THEY WERE ON SITE JUST NOT THERE! AND THEN WE ALMOST DROVE THROUGH ONE OF THE SETS AND OHMYGOD YOU GUYS I CAN'T! 

One thing that kind of disappoints me is there's no depressed!Dean Destiel stories. It's all depressed!Castiel. And, I mean, it's okay. 
          
          But Dean in the show finds himself so useless. He feels like he disappoints everyone. The two things that really seem to keep him going in the beginning are Sam and the fact that he saves people.
          
          Later seasons, he's just trying to find a way he can die. He doesn't think Sammy needs him. That his best isn't good enough. So he puts himself in suicidal situations hoping that he'll finally he able to die. For good.
          
          But Cas or Sam always save him; or he's always brought back.
          
          And every time Sam gets hurt he blames himself. Because it was his job to take care of him. It would remind him of how disappointed John was when a monster would get to Sammy, or when Sam ran away.
          
          Castiel, yes, he has it hard and is disappointed in himself. But I don't think Cas would ever think of killing or hurting himself. When he gets hurt he believes he deserves it, because he betrayed his brother and sisters. He might be kinda depressed, but not nearly as much he is in fanfics.
          
          And in these fanfics Dean's always this happy go lucky guy. I just find it kind of wrong, I feel like Dean would be more likely depressed than Cas.
          
          Because in addition to all of that, Mary still dies in the AU fanfictions. Dean is still responsible for Sam, and John is always angry.
          
          Castiel nearly always has a loving family, I know that doesn't mean you won't be depressed, but that's the canonical reason why he thinks he deserves the pain.
          
          Anyway... That's the end of the rant. Just kinda wish there were more depressed!Dean fanfics. 

It's like 3am where I'm at. And I've just stayed up looking at supernatural memes and headcanons and fanart... And I know remember that I still have school tomorrow.
          
          So yeah. I'm screwed.