Kettle_Corn94

Man do I feel like shittt. Can't tell if I'm just moody and reading angst or if me reading angst triggered a depressive episode but oh well. I'm just glad I'm starting the new year at all. Three years ago I prolly wouldn't have believed that. Happy New Years bitches! I hear my neighbors celebrating with guns and fireworks lmao. The second it turned I heard it. That's funny lol

I can't tell if it's just that I watched a shit ton of sad videos and sad songs are the only thing fitting my vibe now or if it's seasonal depression kicking in. I have so many friends yet I still feel absolutely shrouded in loneliness. I want so badly to have someone that I trust with my darkest secrets. I mean, there's one friends that I would trust her with but dealing with her own shit and I don't want her worrying about me. Everyone else I feel I can't trust with cause I'm not that close with them. I'm sure they wouldn't mind but all I'd feel would be guilt. I kinda want to go back to therapy but honestly it's probably not the best idea for our financial situation. It seem alright but I hate my parents spending unnecessary money for me. If it was actually getting bad, like how it used to be then I would say something. Sh or suicide hasn't crossed my mind for a long time now and I'm hoping to keep it that way. Anyways, imma go cry myself to sleep cause my head is killing me and I don't want to deal with the mental pain of feeling lonely and missing my cat. Gn y'all

God damnit. Taz look so much like Diego, I fucking can't. I miss him so much. It fucking hurts. Why. Why did your dumbass have to get used to cars. Why.. I fucking miss you so much Diego. Love you baby..

I knew that my eating habits were bad during indoor but I never really processed how like unhealthy they were from last year. Like we had 2-3 practices per week and all of them were later so I wouldn't be home at dinner time but then I'd get home and not eat cause I wasn't hungry. I lost a decent bit of weight from that and then this year it just keeps shedding off. I honestly don't mind, but I kinda wish that I was losing weight cause I was doing things about it and not just cause I'm an idiot lmao

I miss him so much. I miss him so fucking much. My little Diego. My little kitty. Fuck. I miss him so much. So so fucking much. I just want to hold him again. Shit I'd give everything to see him again. Even if all he did was fucking scratch me. I miss him so much. So fucking much.

I currently only have three best friends that I talk to that aren't in band, 2 of them I talk to regularly. I love those two but I feel like every single time I talk to them I get attack for something. It's obviously joking on their part but at this point it's just fucking me up. We only get to call like once a week cause I'm so busy with band and they give me shit for never making time for them and it's like, I have shit that I need to do and I still need time for myself. Today they were shitting on me for getting youtuber merch that I like and not band merch, then my style cause I had said the merch fit my style more and they were like what style, and then they were shitting on my taste and I'm just kinda done. I just hate it. Like I love talking to them but every fucking time without fail they start blaming me for not talking to them. I have shit going on. And I'll try to defend myself and they make it into an argument. To them I guess it sounds like a joke but it sounds so real to me and I fucking hate it. I'm so over it. But besides that they are so real and get me most of the time. Plus they're literally the only people that I really talk to outside of school. I'm just distancing myself for now. I just hate this.

Live laugh love waking up from a nap and having my friends beg me not to go to school cause we've just been put on a hit list to get shot up. We're fucking kids. What the hell is wrong with people?

I have never been more thankful for being in pit bro. I can't get my physical form signed off until after band camp cause I have some things that I need to do before that and I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to do anything during that week. Thankfully, I can go I just wouldn't be able to march, which I only do for pregame and we just set that today during precamp so it'll be fine. My hip is like killing me rn tho. And it's the opposite hip than it usually is when shit acts up so that's fun lol. I also have to be up in 5 hrs but I just took a long ass nap so whatever ig. This is just a random ramble and I kinda feel like half of it isn't that coherent but I frankly couldn't care to reread it so good luck ig lol

I'm gonna cry brooo. Two of my like best friends started dating: a guy and a girl which they both mainly date the same gender so it was kinda out of the blue but also very obvious it was bound to happen at some point. But like I've said, they're both my best friends so they always rant to me about each other and holy fuckkkk. The guy messaged me wanting somewhere to dump all his thoughts about her at and obviously I was like go ahead. And he was just being so fucking cute and sweet about her. He was worried that he wasn't doing enough when he's doing fucking amazing. He's like genuinely so respectful and like it's insane cause most of the guys we know are just asses. Even if they're better than most they're still weird here and there, but him. He's always a sweetheart to us and I just love it. He's a great guy and I'm so happy that they have each other. And I'm so happy that I've been like the chosen person to rant to. Like they sometimes will both text me at the same time, him wanting to talk about how cute she is when flustered, and her wanting to freak out about him. I love it and I'm so happy for them. If this era ever dies out, which it prolly will considering we're young, I will be so sad. They are so good together and I just love them both dearly.  

I feel like balling. I feel plike shit. Idek why, man. I just feel like I'm alone. I feel like I don't quite fit anywhere and I'm worried I never will. I have no reason to but I just feel like all of my friends hate me or that I'm just annoying and a nuisance. I hate it, I hate feeling like this, and I hate not having anyone to talk to. I haven't been to therapy in like 10 months. Fuck. That mean it's almost been a year since my cat has died. This is bullshit. Fucking bullshit. This is the worst it's been in a while and it really sucks. I just want to sleep it away but I literally just fixed my sleep schedule so I won't. I just feel awful. I can't take care of myself properly cause I don't have the energy to and there's some things that I was never taught. I feel like shot. At this point I'm basically wasting away. I basically eat one meal a day with maybe one or two other snacks over like the 14-15 hrs I'm awake a day. It's just so hard for me to get up and make or find food no matter how hungry I am. Summer might be on of the shittest times of the year