Kettle_Corn94

Live laugh love waking up from a nap and having my friends beg me not to go to school cause we've just been put on a hit list to get shot up. We're fucking kids. What the hell is wrong with people?

I have never been more thankful for being in pit bro. I can't get my physical form signed off until after band camp cause I have some things that I need to do before that and I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to do anything during that week. Thankfully, I can go I just wouldn't be able to march, which I only do for pregame and we just set that today during precamp so it'll be fine. My hip is like killing me rn tho. And it's the opposite hip than it usually is when shit acts up so that's fun lol. I also have to be up in 5 hrs but I just took a long ass nap so whatever ig. This is just a random ramble and I kinda feel like half of it isn't that coherent but I frankly couldn't care to reread it so good luck ig lol

I'm gonna cry brooo. Two of my like best friends started dating: a guy and a girl which they both mainly date the same gender so it was kinda out of the blue but also very obvious it was bound to happen at some point. But like I've said, they're both my best friends so they always rant to me about each other and holy fuckkkk. The guy messaged me wanting somewhere to dump all his thoughts about her at and obviously I was like go ahead. And he was just being so fucking cute and sweet about her. He was worried that he wasn't doing enough when he's doing fucking amazing. He's like genuinely so respectful and like it's insane cause most of the guys we know are just asses. Even if they're better than most they're still weird here and there, but him. He's always a sweetheart to us and I just love it. He's a great guy and I'm so happy that they have each other. And I'm so happy that I've been like the chosen person to rant to. Like they sometimes will both text me at the same time, him wanting to talk about how cute she is when flustered, and her wanting to freak out about him. I love it and I'm so happy for them. If this era ever dies out, which it prolly will considering we're young, I will be so sad. They are so good together and I just love them both dearly.  

I feel like balling. I feel plike shit. Idek why, man. I just feel like I'm alone. I feel like I don't quite fit anywhere and I'm worried I never will. I have no reason to but I just feel like all of my friends hate me or that I'm just annoying and a nuisance. I hate it, I hate feeling like this, and I hate not having anyone to talk to. I haven't been to therapy in like 10 months. Fuck. That mean it's almost been a year since my cat has died. This is bullshit. Fucking bullshit. This is the worst it's been in a while and it really sucks. I just want to sleep it away but I literally just fixed my sleep schedule so I won't. I just feel awful. I can't take care of myself properly cause I don't have the energy to and there's some things that I was never taught. I feel like shot. At this point I'm basically wasting away. I basically eat one meal a day with maybe one or two other snacks over like the 14-15 hrs I'm awake a day. It's just so hard for me to get up and make or find food no matter how hungry I am. Summer might be on of the shittest times of the year 

Idk what's up with today but somethin feels off. I feel like I wanna cry but then I also have this other emotion that I just can't put my finger on. My music is hitting harder than usual in a way that I'm unsure about and then I also feel like I'm forgetting something important. Idk what's goin on but no thanks please

I just got finished reading 'The Watchers Downfall' which is an amazing angst book. I started balling my eyes out at the end of it and then I already had sad music playing so I just started to get lost in thought. I went to one of my best friend's grad party and it just hit me, I'm barely gonna see her anymore and that really fucks me up. I didn't give her a hug before I left cause everyone was waiting on my mom to get there to leave and I also didn't want to keep my mom waiting. I fucking hate that though. I just want to hug her now. I hate this lol. Worst part of marching band :(

I wanna stab someone-

I hate having a crush on a guy that I don't want to when I'm touch starved and make up those little scenes in my head. Like I'll be thinking of one thing and then my brain is like but what if someone was laying with you and then it's like what if it was *him.* And I'm just like- no- Like it sucks cause I don't want to like this guy as he's like a great friend and I want it to stay that way. Besides, he wouldn't ever like me anyway. And if for whatever reason he somehow did, he wouldn't date me cause I'm too gay for him lol. He ain't homophobic, not to my knowledge, I just don't think he'd date a person who's gender fluid considering how straight he is lol. Tho, I don't think I would date him even if I had the chance tbh. So many people have like told me don't date him and I trust those friends, cause they actually know him lol. I hate liking people broooo

Broooo
          
          I feel like I'm getting semi annoying to my band friends cause like I'm just getting more touch starved than usual so I'm just randomly hugging them, fake bullying them, or like resting my head on their shoulders. Like- I just need a lover irl who can like just wrap their arms around my waist and lay with me as I sleep. I mean, I know I have at least one option but I feel like if we dated it could ruin our friendship when we eventually break up cause I've never been able to hold a crush for a long time without gaslighting myself or just not talking to them for a hot minute. Ughhhh. It sucks being this mentally fucked and unattractive lol

So marching season is starting again and my band director wanted to try something new for our warm ups that other successful bands do. Umm.. Today is our first day doing it and we have to kneel as part of the move.. on asphalt.. I thought it'd be fine and my knees were just a little red like everyone else's. No, my knees are like kinda fucked up from kneeling on the asphalt. My cymbals also need adjusted cause someone else used them for indoor season and they are tight enough that I can get my hands in but now I have red marks on my hands from them. First big practice and shit is going swimmingly lol