Kettle_Corn94

Lowkey might just be in an depressive episode but like I started to learn about a shit ton of outerspace facts and theories while simultaneously reading facts about how many people get raped/killed, y'know, all that jazz, and it like really fucked me up. Like you'd think that these two things should not correlate but somehow the combo messed me up. Learning about boltzmann brains and how we could get wiped away in a second by the unstable space vacuum while at the same time also learning that 160 some, if I remember correctly, million people were coaching and teaching each other how to rape someone is like so terrible for someone with like my past mental stability. Like typing this out seems like I'm just fucking insane and looking for an excuse but this at one point genuinely made me think "well it could happen at any second, might as well do it now before someone gets to me and makes me miserable." Which is fucking insane thinking btw, idk why it crossed my mind for the amount of time that it did. And just to clarify, I will not be kms because a, I have more life I want to live and b, I know how bad it fucks people up. Even if you only knew em from a distance. But like I just felt numb and to me it felt simpler than going into the world just to get treated worse than I already am. Especially because I want to go into a male dominated profession where there are many easily excessable items that could be used with harmful intent. But it's insane how quickly the mind can turn on itself and just fucking tear you down. Good night now

My birthday is coming up and I've mentioned it a few times to people cause I can get my license soon and I just feel weird mentioning it. I know its just been offhanded comments cause I was thinking about it but immediately after I just feel like I'm doing it to fish for attention and I hate it. I know I'm not but like ugh. I genuinely feel so much dread welling up in my chest just thinking about it and I hate it. I just want to be remembered but also it feels gross like wish for that cause ik there's a possibility it won't happen and thats just getting my hopes up. Most will prolly only remember cause our snap streak will show my b-day. I just don't want to feel hurt again. Like two years ago I only had my parents and maybe two or three friends say something and it just hurt. My one pair of grandparents always text me and I got nothing and now I'm scared it'll happen again. I don't want to be forgotten but just even bringing it up gives me anxiety of being too much. I just need to day to come and go already so I don't got to deal with it. I'm very fortunate that this is my current delimma, definitely my best recently, but idk. I apologize for the spoiled brat vibe I'm showing rn

I feel so hollow. I keep trying to fill up my mind with funny yt videos or reading or writing but it's just not working. I feel so alone. For the first time in 2 years I had an actual thought about sh and I'm scared. I was thinking about being bored and sad and alone and the thought just crept in. I hate it. It doesnt feel like an urge, it was just a thought. But like what if it gets worse. I'm 11 days away from hitting 1,000 days clean. Its been two years and almost 9 months. What if I fucking throw it away over nothing? I'm scared. Of so much rn. And I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore besides try to sleep the hurt away because I don't want to think anymore. I cant fucking go to therapy cause we're broke and the only person that takes our insurance does not help. I'm so tired. Sorry for the vent. I aint got no one

I fucking hate this country. What the actual fuck is happening. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared rn. It's been mere months of him being in power and shit is just crumbling down. Why, just fucking why hasn't he been impeached yet? Does the Senate not see what he's doing? Or worse, do they agree with it? I'm so fucking done.
          
          There's so much I wish I could do. I wish I could help others in this damned country. I wish I could escape. I wish I could do something. Anything. The only thing I can really do is spead awareness. That's something, but it ain't enough. It's not gonna get shit done. But I'm a fucking minor, I'm not able to legally do shit that I know of. I'm so fucking scared. I hate it here.

I wish I was closer with my friends more. I also wish we weren't busy af. We have one weekend free and it's my birthday weekend. I didn't invite any of my band friends cause I figured that I might end up hanging out with them more considering there's more of them compared to my two non band friends. With the events that happened yesterday, one of my friends isn't able to make it cause she knew the guy and is mourning. Honestly I also didn't invite my band friends cause the last time I did, I invited 7 people over and only 2 came so I didn't want to disappoint myself considering it's our free weekend and people most likely have plans. I'm just kinda drowning in loneliness and I'm not sure if it's my fault or not. It kinda feels like it tbh, I feel like I push people away. I'm also annoying as a mf so I'm sure that doesn't help. Sometimes I wish I could be normal so I wouldn't be so alone but also I kinda wish that I had at least one person who understood me better. Most of my band friends are more normal compared to me and I get a lot of weird looks from them. Y'know I used to have someone who understood me like that but she just isn't a person I want to associate myself with and it sucks ass cause I just want someone who understands me. I just need someone who understands me the way I am. 
          
          I wish I wasn't so fucking picky or whatever the hell I am cause then I wouldn't push my friends away as much. I just wish I didn't feel like I'm absolutely drowning in this loneliness. I feel like shit and it's so bullshit. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so mature cause the immature people seem so carefree and happy but then again me being mature is what makes me me. I just wish so much but none of this shit is gonna come true. I just need to figure myself out and I'll be fine. Hopefully. It just kinda sucks but oh well. I've been worse off before.

Why is the world so damn fucked up? 3 people in the past 4 years have committed suicide in my hs. 2 of them not even a year apart. I didn't know either of them personally but I've seen the fall out. It's sad that people feel the need to go to lengths that should never happen because our society is so fucked up. I wish I could say more but I didn't know the guys personally. I hope that their family and friends will be alright. This shit is so stupid. Wtf is wrong with the world for this to be the result? And more importantly why the fuck aren't we fixing it?

The winter blues are really fucking hitting me. I just feel so damn stuck. I have two friend groups and I feel like I don't belong in either of them. One I text all the time because I'm only friends with three people, my bestie who moved, her ex-girl that we still talk to, and her current girl, and like if I'm not texting first I feel like we don't talk at all. I've kinda stopped texting and the chat has been mostly dry. And my other friend group, my band group, feels like they, mainly L, are trying to include me but it just feels so.. idk.. I talk to them everyday, I sit with them at lunch, I do a shit ton of stuff with them but it just feels like I don't fit. Like nobody really *gets* me. Like the only person who used to get me most I don't want to talk to anymore cause I'm just not a fan of her anymore. I just want somebody to understand me more deeply I suppose. I've excepted that I'm more of a loner but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still. It hurts like hell. But what am I to do about it. It's whatever.

I had a bad day and my mum and I kinda fought in the car so I just went straight to my room after I got home. I just left to go eat and my mum asked if I had even said hi to my dad. She said that he asked her if something was wrong qnd Ig he feels like I'm picking favorites. And I mean I am. Most of my memories with him when I'm younger are just him being mad or just existing in my area but not talking to me. He didn't make a connection to me and only in the past 2 years has he started, and even then it's not much. My mother said that he felt left out cause I didn't say anything to him, and I've been doing that more, but like every single time he just kinda hums, gives me a weird look, or just kinda makes noncommittal sounds. It feels like he doesn't want to hear it so why should I continue when I keep getting fucking hurt. I want to love and be close to him but he's gotta put in the effort too. I feel like shit cause he's my dad but the phone goes both ways. I fucking hate this shit..

Man do I feel like shittt. Can't tell if I'm just moody and reading angst or if me reading angst triggered a depressive episode but oh well. I'm just glad I'm starting the new year at all. Three years ago I prolly wouldn't have believed that. Happy New Years bitches! I hear my neighbors celebrating with guns and fireworks lmao. The second it turned I heard it. That's funny lol

I can't tell if it's just that I watched a shit ton of sad videos and sad songs are the only thing fitting my vibe now or if it's seasonal depression kicking in. I have so many friends yet I still feel absolutely shrouded in loneliness. I want so badly to have someone that I trust with my darkest secrets. I mean, there's one friends that I would trust her with but dealing with her own shit and I don't want her worrying about me. Everyone else I feel I can't trust with cause I'm not that close with them. I'm sure they wouldn't mind but all I'd feel would be guilt. I kinda want to go back to therapy but honestly it's probably not the best idea for our financial situation. It seem alright but I hate my parents spending unnecessary money for me. If it was actually getting bad, like how it used to be then I would say something. Sh or suicide hasn't crossed my mind for a long time now and I'm hoping to keep it that way. Anyways, imma go cry myself to sleep cause my head is killing me and I don't want to deal with the mental pain of feeling lonely and missing my cat. Gn y'all