Kettle_Corn94

The winter blues are really fucking hitting me. I just feel so damn stuck. I have two friend groups and I feel like I don't belong in either of them. One I text all the time because I'm only friends with three people, my bestie who moved, her ex-girl that we still talk to, and her current girl, and like if I'm not texting first I feel like we don't talk at all. I've kinda stopped texting and the chat has been mostly dry. And my other friend group, my band group, feels like they, mainly L, are trying to include me but it just feels so.. idk.. I talk to them everyday, I sit with them at lunch, I do a shit ton of stuff with them but it just feels like I don't fit. Like nobody really *gets* me. Like the only person who used to get me most I don't want to talk to anymore cause I'm just not a fan of her anymore. I just want somebody to understand me more deeply I suppose. I've excepted that I'm more of a loner but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still. It hurts like hell. But what am I to do about it. It's whatever.

I thought that I forgot my glasses at my damn comp and I was so fucking worried. Like literally crying in the care because I thought I lost them. I can't see like 1½ infront of me without my glasses so I would be fucked in like half of my classes and I quite frankly just wanted to pass away right then and there. Turns out I just put them in my lunch box and forgot about it. Despite knowing that now, I still have no idea when I did it tbh. I'm just glad I found em. I was so damn scared

I had a bad day and my mum and I kinda fought in the car so I just went straight to my room after I got home. I just left to go eat and my mum asked if I had even said hi to my dad. She said that he asked her if something was wrong qnd Ig he feels like I'm picking favorites. And I mean I am. Most of my memories with him when I'm younger are just him being mad or just existing in my area but not talking to me. He didn't make a connection to me and only in the past 2 years has he started, and even then it's not much. My mother said that he felt left out cause I didn't say anything to him, and I've been doing that more, but like every single time he just kinda hums, gives me a weird look, or just kinda makes noncommittal sounds. It feels like he doesn't want to hear it so why should I continue when I keep getting fucking hurt. I want to love and be close to him but he's gotta put in the effort too. I feel like shit cause he's my dad but the phone goes both ways. I fucking hate this shit..

Man do I feel like shittt. Can't tell if I'm just moody and reading angst or if me reading angst triggered a depressive episode but oh well. I'm just glad I'm starting the new year at all. Three years ago I prolly wouldn't have believed that. Happy New Years bitches! I hear my neighbors celebrating with guns and fireworks lmao. The second it turned I heard it. That's funny lol

I can't tell if it's just that I watched a shit ton of sad videos and sad songs are the only thing fitting my vibe now or if it's seasonal depression kicking in. I have so many friends yet I still feel absolutely shrouded in loneliness. I want so badly to have someone that I trust with my darkest secrets. I mean, there's one friends that I would trust her with but dealing with her own shit and I don't want her worrying about me. Everyone else I feel I can't trust with cause I'm not that close with them. I'm sure they wouldn't mind but all I'd feel would be guilt. I kinda want to go back to therapy but honestly it's probably not the best idea for our financial situation. It seem alright but I hate my parents spending unnecessary money for me. If it was actually getting bad, like how it used to be then I would say something. Sh or suicide hasn't crossed my mind for a long time now and I'm hoping to keep it that way. Anyways, imma go cry myself to sleep cause my head is killing me and I don't want to deal with the mental pain of feeling lonely and missing my cat. Gn y'all

God damnit. Taz look so much like Diego, I fucking can't. I miss him so much. It fucking hurts. Why. Why did your dumbass have to get used to cars. Why.. I fucking miss you so much Diego. Love you baby..

I knew that my eating habits were bad during indoor but I never really processed how like unhealthy they were from last year. Like we had 2-3 practices per week and all of them were later so I wouldn't be home at dinner time but then I'd get home and not eat cause I wasn't hungry. I lost a decent bit of weight from that and then this year it just keeps shedding off. I honestly don't mind, but I kinda wish that I was losing weight cause I was doing things about it and not just cause I'm an idiot lmao

I miss him so much. I miss him so fucking much. My little Diego. My little kitty. Fuck. I miss him so much. So so fucking much. I just want to hold him again. Shit I'd give everything to see him again. Even if all he did was fucking scratch me. I miss him so much. So fucking much.

I currently only have three best friends that I talk to that aren't in band, 2 of them I talk to regularly. I love those two but I feel like every single time I talk to them I get attack for something. It's obviously joking on their part but at this point it's just fucking me up. We only get to call like once a week cause I'm so busy with band and they give me shit for never making time for them and it's like, I have shit that I need to do and I still need time for myself. Today they were shitting on me for getting youtuber merch that I like and not band merch, then my style cause I had said the merch fit my style more and they were like what style, and then they were shitting on my taste and I'm just kinda done. I just hate it. Like I love talking to them but every fucking time without fail they start blaming me for not talking to them. I have shit going on. And I'll try to defend myself and they make it into an argument. To them I guess it sounds like a joke but it sounds so real to me and I fucking hate it. I'm so over it. But besides that they are so real and get me most of the time. Plus they're literally the only people that I really talk to outside of school. I'm just distancing myself for now. I just hate this.

Live laugh love waking up from a nap and having my friends beg me not to go to school cause we've just been put on a hit list to get shot up. We're fucking kids. What the hell is wrong with people?