LOOK OUT RALEIGH, THERE'S A HURRICANE OF ICE COMING. MAYBE THIS IS THE YEAR WE ACTUALLY PULL ANOTHER DEEP PLAYOFF RUN OUT OF OUR ASS. CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY WON A STANLEY CUP TEN YEARS AGO? YES IT'S TRUE! LOOK AT ALL OF THE WONDERFUL FANS WE HAVE IN ATTENDANCE [crickets].
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE COME TO OUR GAMES! OUR OWNER IS BANKRUPT AND BEING SUED BY HIS SONS FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS HE TOOK FROM THEIR TRUST FUND (What a great family man!). SPEAKING OF FAMILY YOU CAN ATTEND GAMES ON THE CHEAP. HE HAVE TICKETS AS LOW AS $15! (THAT'S LIKE A MEAL AT RED LOBSTER!) WE'VE ALSO GOT THINGS ON THE ICE FOR YOU. WE'VE GOT STARS LIKE: JEFF SKINNER, JUSTIN FAULK, THAT OTHER STAAL, AND TEEVU TERA...uh...THAT FINNISH GUY! YOU WANT DIVERSITY? SWEDISH GUYS! RUSSIANS! CZECHS! FINNS! GUYS WITH PHYSICAL DISABILITIES! BASKETBALL STARS! EQUIPMENT MANAGERS! TALL GUYS! MANLETS! WE'VE GOT DIVERSITY!!! (It is our strength!) ACT NOW AND WATCH PLAYERS YOU THOUGHT HAD RETIRED BUT ARE STILL ACTIVE IN THE LEAGUE. RON HAINSEY! CAM WARD! MICHAEL LEIGHTON! LEE STEMPNIAK! THEY AREN'T RETIRED, THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST PLAYING FOR THE HURRICANES! ONLY FOR A LIMITED TIME SINCE WE'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO SELL AND THE TEAM WILL BE MOVED TO QUEBEC CITY.
IT'S A BRASS BONANZA!*
*the hurricanes are not responsible for bad goaltending or hartford whaler envy.
