I dare say nobody follows me anymore. It's not like I'm on here very often.
I am still Christian. Hanging on by the skin of my teeth. Since 2023, I've been hospitalised twice, once post suicide attempt and the other with a bad reaction to meds and some flavour of mania; this latter I have only recently come out of, so I am adjusting to the mundane realities of life again. I feel a little sick when I think of Wattpad. I could probably even find my old account if I hunted. It used to be such a special place to me. Now - I don't come here even every year.
Anyway mental illness blah blah disability et cetera. I had hope and that has been systematically stamped out of me. I had big dreams and they have been crushed. I do not know why God would put in me such desires when at every moment the ability to do anything about them is destroyed. I hope, if you love me, you will be charitable and pray for me. I am destroyed and there is no good way out of this. Within the next week I am very likely to flunk my classes, which would result in being kicked out of uni as passing is the condition on my enrolment. If I do not - I have so much to catch up on.
I don't know why my life is like this. I do not know what it is supposed to be teaching me. I can't even write about it. I am sick to my stomach.
