LadyCrumbled

My dad disowned me yesterday.
          	Yay?

LadyCrumbled

So uh, today isn't great. Not that I had it planned to be a good day, but I didn't expect it to be so bad.
          
          I've spent the past half hour sobbing in the bathroom of my hotel. I'm currently on a trip to a different country, and so far this trip hasn't been great. I've been wanting to go home, and more so I've been wanting to return to my familiar life.
          
          Without realizing it, Technoblade had become part of what was familiar to me.
          
          From blasting Blitz in the car to watching his videos during dinner, Technoblade's monotone voice and witty humor had become a part of my life.
          
          Back in 2020 when I was brand new to watching Dream SMP, it was Technoblade that utterly shattered me in his delivery of lore. I remember sitting in my cramped apartment, unsure and confused about the pandemic. I had been watching the the stream were Technoblade was showing everyone his insane stash of maxed Netherite armor and tools. That same stream he blew up L'Manburg.
          
          It was in that moment my jaw dropped and infatuation with Dream SMP got neatly folded and set in the palm of my hands.
          
          I can't believe I've lost a second person to Cancer, I can't believe that Technoblade is gone. I'm trying to veiw this as a "see you later" rather than "goodbye". 
          
          I never imagined myself grieving so hard over a man I never met, and now, will never get the chance to meet. I feel so incredibly heartbroken, shattered, and devastated. 
          
          Losing Technoblade makes me afraid to lose more. Not only will I have to cope with the pain of losing people personal to my own life, but now I realize that losing the people I watch from afar hurts just as much. A part of me wishes I didn't know about Technoblade while another part of me is grateful to have been able to enjoy him as well as his content.

LadyCrumbled

In time, we will move on. We will never stop missing you, but we will learn to accept you're gone. I still can't fully believe that you are, and each time I say it out loud I get sad over and over again. 
            
            I want to say I wish it were someone else but the problem with that is I'm not sure who. I wish it weren't anyone.
            
            I'm still new to grieving as I've only lost a few people. It unfortunately never gets easier, the pain I feel never lessens nor am I able to move on faster than the last. This cycle of death- especially to the young, is so incredibly cruel.
            
            But I as well as your many other fans promise, your legacy as Technoblade will never die. Your content will be watched by future generations, even if there  aren't any new videos. In the luck that I may have my own kids one day, they will know Technoblade.
            
            Goodbye Alex, to your physical body. I'll never get to meet or feel. Goodbye for now.
            
            -
            
            Apologies for the delayed post. I began writing this the day his passing was announced. Every time I tried to finish this, I was so overwhelmed with grief that I had to pause and regroup. I'm still not okay, but I felt like I needed to post a goodbye for my own closure.
            
            This message was pretty messy but I'm glad I got something. I'll be getting some Quackhalo fanfiction out soon hopefully. Please don't take any new postings as disrespect to the situation with Technoblade, writing is how I cope. Getting to mold and shape images of security, joy, and silliness is what I need at the moment.
            
            I understand this is a difficult time for many, so please take care of yourself. I truly love and adore you guys, please don't hesitate to message me as we get through this together. <3
• Reply

LadyCrumbled

@LadyCrumbled So to Technoblade, who I know will never phyisically read this but would like to think you'd see this message from wherever you're at,
            
            Thank you for making me smile, thank you for being original. Thank you for Blitz, I still jam to it often.
            
            I'm sorry for crying so much, I just can't seem to stop. I know you probably don't want you your fans creating any new oceans, but I can't imagine not missing you. The more I think, the more tears I get everywhere.
            
            I try to smile thinking of how you're in a better place, hopefully one with warmth, love, and no pain. In years if I'm there too, I'll be sure to say hi.
            
            There are millions of people like me sobbing and broken over losing you, but right now, as soon as you are able, please comfort your family. I'm sure you're just getting settled into heaven, still finding your way around. I hope you like it there.
            
            I'm not sure if it brings you any pride knowing this, but I seriously thought you're name was Dave. Between fanfiction and the such, I always perceived you as Dave. It was kinda funny finding out I had been wrong for so long. Even looking at your previous face reveals I thought "Oh yeah? He looks like a Dave".
            
            Alex, (I hope its okay to call you that) I promise to be laughing again soon. I promise to smile and go back to your content and be happy for everything you've done. Unfortunately at this moment, I'm going to need some time to pull myself together. It may take a while
            
            In the meantime, I'll continue with my life, trying to live it as well as I can rather than focuding on the unhappiness and pain that marks my person. You were only 7 years older than myself. I don't want to imagine death so soon for myself, not anymore. I don't believe at 16 you thought you'd be dying soon either.
• Reply