miles

i'm getting better at it, i know.
          but sometimes i still find it hard.
          
          sometimes you say you miss me and i just wish i could see that you do because you haven't texted me all day.
          
          but it's okay, we have different love languages and i am learning to understand that.

she held me and said "I'm going to be so happy here"

we're going to live here together.
          we're going to have a beautiful life together.

holly said she likes scared men.
          didn't she win the fucking lotto with me ;)

i am earning the right to dress like a basic white man

okay so i'm going to be asleep before 22:30 and until then i'm going to ramble about stuff while i work

depression, man.
          crazy fucking stuff.

i wish that i could hate you for the shit you put me through
          but everything was beautiful when i did it with you
          
          and no one ever knew

there it is.
          goodness it's hard when your gut is right.
          like i'm supposed to train myself to not respond to these anxious feelings 
          like yk, i'm supposed to tell myself that it's wrong.
          but it's always fucking right.
          and then how can it stop worrying because my gut is right so often.
          even if the level of fear is irrational, 
          the fear itself is always right.
          
          and i feel it before i can even make sense of what's happening.
          

i do not want to do the practice oral but i know she's well-intentioned and is doing this for us but like i just cannot do this.
          if any part of the practice goes wrong i'll just start crying.