Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."