I was abandoned as a baby by my father, Leonardo Dicaprio. He left me in the forest with only some Pringles and a sword. He said that would be enough to defend myself in the wild. Even though it was true at first, three-month-old me quickly learned how to climb trees and slay beasts. I still needed love.
but when I sought it, I was rarely successful. Unfortunately, the wolves rejected me, and the bears tried to eat me when I begged them to adopt me.
However, the monkeys took a liking to me; as long as I agreed to be their lifelong slave and not to betray them with their enemies, the sloth clan, they would check my ears for lice. 
Oh yeah, and I couldn't mate with an alfa wearwolf, dude. They said that  it was very important since they had already lost three servants to them.