Lg~BennieBoi~tq

I think that in these past 9 (almost 10) months that I’ve actually grown as a person. I’m able to look myself in the mirror without disgust, I actually have a sense of self love that I’ve never felt before. I guess burning bridges and letting go helped me to learn to love myself and as much as it hurt and sometimes still does, I think I’m learning to live and love and be loved the way everyone else should. And for that, I have him to thank. He is the reason that I’ve been doing so well and he just.. he helps teach me the way I should be taught. And he’s loved me in a way I’ve never felt. I feel it in every Kiss and hug.. it’s.. I love it. Anyway. I feel sick as hell so imma have to go, but smol update on me <3

I’m slowly learning. 

I realize things I’d never realized then.
          
          And it hurts and I find it amusing. 
          
          I don’t know. 
          
          I’m ready for this weekend 

I dont know why I’m excited. 
          
          I taught myself not to hope. 
          
          But the possibility?
          
          ~~ you know granny might not let you
          
          Hell, who cares id still try. 
          
          This summer; So soon?
          
          Maybe 
          
          I get to meet my Teddy. 
          
          My One true constant this past year; 
          My rock;
          My CG;
          My therapist;
          My foundation; 
          My trust;
          My sometimes metaphorical husband?
          
          God I hope so. 

Guess who’s depression sky-rocketed AND is physically sick as well 

But please... don’t leave me....

It’s ok. I promise 

I do see it. It’s the only way I know how you are. I can’t ask. All I know is I love you and I’m sorry. But no. They wouldn’t be briefly disappointed. They’d be sad but we still need you babe. Really we do 

I’ll always love you. 
          

I’m tired of feeling like shit because of you...
          
          All I did was make a joke the other day...
          
          Today I wanted to just look through your damn psychology book what a sin. 
          
          I took your jacket and wanted to wear it. Which was fine so I thought but I’ve been having heat flashes for a while now which means I’d be taking it on and off. 
          
          I’m tired of having to question myself before doing something in fear that I may upset you. 
          
          Ever since that shit went down  and you did what you did I haven’t trusted you very well. 
          
          everyday I try to find a reason to trust. 
          
          You’re still in my walls; granted you’ve been knocked out of a few. 
          
          But I’m trying. I’ve been trying. 
          
          I still love you. 
          
          I always will. 
          
          But I could not look at you without feeling hatred for myself wondering what I did wrong and I finally figured out that I couldn’t get over the shit AND still be in a relationship with you. 
          
          So I did something I knew we both needed. 
          
          I found something to help me and someone who is gradually teaching me to love myself like you once did. 
          
          I love him. 
          
          I love you. 
          
          I need him. 
          
          I need you. 
          
          But I chose him because I knew I could look at him without wanting to break. 
          
          I was tired of being hurt so I made a selfish decision. 
          
          I had hoped that we could stay bestfriends. But obviously not bestfriend. Just friends maybe and that’s only on good days. 
          
          We don’t talk much anymore no matter how much I wish we did. 
          
          Imma stop this here because I’m done ranting and explaining myself and apologizing for things I know I shouldn’t. 
          
          I finally can we that it isn’t just me.