✨Sailor Moon Enthusiast ✨

I respect BTS's decision and am so happy for them, I just can't help but feel a bit sad.

Bts Chapter 2 is starting off... kinda heartbreaking yet it's like the kind of heartbreak where the both of you still love each other but it was the wrong timing.

I'M SAD BUT HOLY SHIT. BTS COMEBACK WITH NEW ALBUM AND POSSIBLE TOUR. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Every time I start to feel happy, I purposely try to destroy it.
          
          
          Cause I know, I know I wouldn't be able to feel the same euphoric flutters in my heart, the butterflies that start blocking reality, the happiness that I know won't be back in a long time.
          
          
          I force myself to always look at the dark side, the other side that I chain myself to. In other words, I care about strangers and everyone's opinion.

For once in my life, I want to put my happiness first.
          
          Just once. One time would be enough.

It's sad.
          
          
          I promised myself i wouldn't go back to my old ways.
          
          I promised bts that year to stop drowning myself in poison.
          
          
          I promised my mother to put down the blade.
          
          Yet here i am.
          
          Drinking till i pass out.
          
          Shaking as i washed the dishes, the knife glaring right at me. Alluring me into a place i tried so badly to flee.
          
          I'm only a day into 2022 and I'm already giving up.

Goodbye 2021, Fuck you.
          
          
          
          Fuck you for taking my only friend.
          
          
          Fuck you for bringing me back to step 1.
          
          
          Fuck you for killing me.
          
          
          Fuck you for draining every ounce of life in me.
          
          
          Fuck you for taking my childhood.
          
          
          Fuck you for taking my mother.
          
          Fuck you.
          
          I won't miss you and I'll never thank you.
          
          
          Goodbye, 2021.

I know no one will read this but I just feel like venting.
          
          Today... I lost her. 
          
          We both always knew of the growing air around us. The air of awkwardness and silence. 
          
          She was the first to bring it up, I never did because... I didn't want to lose her. I don't want to blame myself?! I didn't want to lose my only best friend, I'm lonely, depressed, and unlikeable. Of course I would stick by the only person who willingly stood by my side. But not anymore ig.
          
          Am I angry? Yes. At her? No. I'm angry at myself. I wish I tried harder, I wish I wasn't the person I was. I wish this fucking pandemic never happened. And maybe I wish she never found better friends. That sounds selfish and possessive but danm. I've never felt such heartbreak as today. 
          
          We talked and... decided this was not the end of our friendship but we're just moving to the next chapter of our lives. And I couldn't control my own fingers, they moved on their own as they typed "Goodbye". I accepted the goodbye. I acted as if I wasn't too hurt, I acted calmly. And here I am. Sobbing. 
          
          I lost my Only Best Friend. I lost her because I couldn't find myself. 
          
          I'll just have to learn to walk by myself, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But I will someday. 
          
          Thank you, Dae. For the memories and warmth you've given me. But I guess this is Goodbye.
          
           I wish you the best in life. 
          
          Sincerely, Lily.

I don't have anyone to go to when i want to vent, so this will have to do ig <3
          
          I'm not the kindest, not even kind. I'm not welcoming, nor am i friendly. But i try, i try for my best friend. I try because shes my only friend. I try to make her laugh and smile, because she deserves to. But it was only today that i realized..
          
          I realized those weren't her brightest smiles, those weren't her most cherished laughs, those weren't her favorite moments, and i wasn't her favorite person.  
          
          I realized i couldn't make her smile the brightest. Not anymore. 
          
          it's not that she isn't allowed to have other friends. I'm glad she has someone to accompany her when i ghost her for months because i fall into my little depressed thoughts. 
          
          It's just hard to watch my only friend slowly drift apart and not being able to do anything. I guess it made me realize how lonely i truly was, i realized i wasn't anyone's favorite person.
          
          And i need to learn to walk on my own.
          
          Today..
          
          We finally called in a while. And i saw how much she changed. I saw how awkward it became. I saw how she smiled while talking about her other best friends. I saw how we both changed. And i saw how the laughter had died down.
          
          I saw how she finally drifted apart.
          
          If she ever comes back, i'll always be her shoulder to cry on, the hand she holds, the person to listen to her vent without question, I'll always be here.
          
          And if she wants me to leave, I'll leave. And if she needs me again, i'll stay without question.
          
          I'll try to walk on my own now. I'll raise my head. I wont stand behind anyone anymore. I'll try.
          
          I couldn't back then. I was afraid of being alone. But i'll just need to learn to grow up. 
          
          Thank You for the memories Bestie. 
          
          Sincerely, Lily.