AG

Maybe being alone is a greater idea.

I don't want to ask help anymore from my friends. I'm scared they're feeling annoyed that I get repetitive with my situation.
          
          I want to cry so bad to them, I want to tell them how much I'm suffering but I just can't do it. But I don't want our next interaction to be me in a casket. I want to scream to everyone how much I'm in pain, it all feels so much that I want to burst. I can't even properly cry because the walls in my room are very thin.
          
          Help

I really want to end it all. I can't stop wanting to take a rope, drinking too much medicine, jumping of the terrace. I can't stop these thoughts. I'm so afraid that there'll be a time where I can't restrain them anymore and end up doing it.
          
          I was only thinking of them before but don't actually have the thoughts of imagining myself in that place but now, it feels so close. I know that one day in my life, I'll do it. A time when everything feels like slow motion and the next thing I know, I'm getting buried. 
          
          I'm concerned for myself yet I can't seem to bring myself to help. I can't even get therapy, I want this to stop. I want to stop feeling this way, I know I might sound irrational to my family but I can't help it anymore. 
          
          I don't want to live but I don't want to die either.
          
          I wonder which side wins the bet. 

The anxiety that seems to pull me down continues to drown me to the point of no return. I see everyone near me are so much more than I am. I grew up thinking that my life is set, everything will be fine but the truth is, I don't know anymore. I feel like I will never go far in life, that I am only destined for things that are too easy to reach. 
          
          It is so hard to go out of my comfort zone that I miss and dodge opportunities that can help me in my future. Talking about my future, I do not know what I want to be. I am dumb, lazy and do not even try if I know it needs more effort than usual. I am a failure, the amount of times I've given up before or during a chance for a better change. 
          
          The thought of myself not being able to start something new or be part of a new change for the better just put me in a shit ton of anxiety. I am talentless too, everyone around me seems to be more than I am. People think of me as someone smart, organized and set in life but truthfully, I am far than what they expect me to be. I am a disappointment, I may not talk about it but I am. 
          
          I can't handle the stress and might even just consider km. The feeling is like an overflowing sink that's pipe is too clogged to keep going, random that metaphor might sounds but that's just how I can describe it as. 
          
          I'll just hope I won't live past 16.

Life's shit

I'm all alone but I'm not sad. Happy that I can't burden anyone the trouble that I bear. The moon, the moon's my only friend. The one who listens to me unconditionally, it's like a friend who I can be sad, happy, angry, regretful, anything with. 
          
          I'm grateful for depression, because it makes me feel. I was so numb before, though depression only gave me sadness, it's okay, at least I can feel now. I wanna be happy but how I can achieve such an infeasible thing . 
          
          As much as I wanna rant, cry, and scream to anyone about the weight on my shoulders, they just wouldn't care... This comment section comforts me, no one might reply, no one might see but it's alright. I can express myself as much as I want here. But at he same time, it's just the same, here and in real life, no one would care. 
          
          Why does universe hate me so much?
          
          Every time I think about death, my mind takes me to all those people who might care if I'm gone. I'm so weak, I always say to myself " do it" but I don't have the nerve to. I'm scared that I'll forever stay in this hole and get crushed with my own feelings, thoughts and irrational ideas. 
          
          My life feels like shit, I don't even have a simple motivation to do anything. I'm so lost in life, I keep telling myself that it's all in my head...it's all in my head, I can't voice it out. I can't explain it, I can't express how I feel nor anything. 
          
          Life sucks.

I'm so tired of living

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Bye world. It was not nice knowing you.

It was a girl this time.
          
          I didn't like it. I don't like anyone touching me.