Rain

(~•♡•~)
             

I've noticed that when I'm regressed, hearing people talk makes me panic. Things like footsteps, people laughing outside, sniffles, and coughing make me tense. Does anyone else feel like that?

Do you like hugs?

Tw: Offing/ death/ horror movies/shitter sliding
          
          I was watching a horror movie by myself for the first time because it would be weird to be an adult and having only ever watched Beetlejuice.
          
          But during the movie, I dosed off into murder that faded to s*****, and that led me to creative ×0× ideas. And I had a creative one that I wanted to share with my friends because it sounds like the most fucked up creative way I've ever thought of/seen. But I realize how bad it would look to send this idea at a quarter till midnight randomly. So now I have a creative thought that I will forget in the morning because I don't remember 90% of the stuff in my adhd peptalks

Dream first date:
          
          I'd make sandwiches before I left home. Because you spend enough money on dates without fancy food. I would wanna go to a pottery painting place. 
          Spend a good percentage of the day there. Then, get Boba or a milkshake and buy a bag of dark chocolate chips. find an isolated place to sit and talk. We could also draw and switch papers every few minutes. But if that was something we did, I'd bring a lot of different supplies. (Like oil pastels, crayons, markers, a big thing of white paint, colored pencils, extra) I'd want to have full artistic expression. It's cheesy, but I would want to write the date somewhere where we had the date. For example, if we went to the park on April 10th, I would write "April tenth" on the pole or whatever is closest. Imagine seeing that in the future. I bet it would mean a lot.
          
          

Fun fact's about me:
          
          I always say I hate peanut butter, but I just don't like the smell.
          
          I put red eye shadow under my eyes to cover my eye bags and eventually started liking it more.
          
          I'm never purposefully trending. Something could be super off trend, and I'd do it if I wanted to. Ranges all the way from my hair and clothes to my word choices and music taste.
          I'm probably the only person who still says "Rad"
          
          I love coffee but stopped drinking it when people noticed I drink it black. I hate sugar, creamer, honey, or anything else in my coffee. Just coffee. Which is kinda weird since I can't drink tea without honey in it. It's icky to me.
          

Little space habits: part 3
          
          5. Can I touch it???
          No matter what it is or how many times you say I can before. If it's not mine and I put it down, I have to ask to touch it. Again, I'm not that verbal in little space, so it mostly involves reaching towards it and looking at the person I'm asking.
          
          6. Hmpf??
          You know that sound everyone uses for stories when a little is upset? The 'Hmpf' sound?
          I have a replacement for that. Rolling my lips. It's super annoying, but I'm only ever angry when I do it, so I don't think I feel remorse for it. 
          
          7. Pillow forts
          =Comfort home. If I could choose between any little space activities or pillow forts, I'd choose pillow forts. Dress up, video games, beach day, paint nails, color, cook, arts and crafts, none of it beats pillow forts!
          
          8. I changed my mind about number 7.
          I actually like just dance too! So pillow forts and just dance! Luckily, those two activities both require energy and can be take up time. So we can do both and end the day with cuddles.

My little space habits, that are kinda cute (part 2):
          
          1. Happy noises! 
          I'm autistic, and one of the main effects that has on me is communication and stimulation. So when I'm little, sounds are communication.
          That being said, exciting squeals and happy jumping are the usual.
          
          2. Sad corners
          When I'm sad, I have a tendency to isolate. Both big and little. But in little space, when I'm sad, the "time out corner" becomes my bestie. Or any small space. I keep a fluffy pillow under my desk and have a pride flag hanging off of it. So I can sit under my desk when I need space. 
          
          (When I think about my dream cg, I imagine a game of peek-a-boo from under my desk)
          
          3. "Good morning!!!"
          It doesn't matter who I'm with. if I wake up in little space, there is going to be a good morning. I have nightmares, so sometimes it's a pouty one.
          
          4. Scared to do "bad things"
          I can't explain, so I'll give an example. One time, I tiptoed to the kitchen while my parents were on the phone because I wanted a spoon full of honey and lemon juice. I thought I would get in trouble. Apparently, I was raised to be a good kid and think some normal things are bad.
          
          More in next post!

My Google Drive is so full. I don't know anyone else who writes everything about them and their beliefs in google docs >:] I have so many things written in there that I always have to clean it out for storage.

I was reading my diary and found something I wrote that might be the best I've come to expressing my family situation. It said:
          
          "I always hated myself for not agreeing with the things my loved ones say or do. But them being 'homophobic', sexist, traditional christians makes it so much harder for me. I really wish I could sit down and just stop being so stubborn, but I feel like they are so wrong about everything they believe, and I can't stop myself from thinking that way. I just wrote about how being opinionated is a good thing, but sometimes it tears people apart."
          
          I wrote that a while ago, but it still applies. If anyone has advice, I'd be grateful.