Living Trashmouth

I'm not sure how to say that I have religious trauma without really being traumatized religiously.
          
          Like, it's more guilt. I guess that's where the trauma part comes in? The church is so good at making you feel small, scared, like there's no other options. If you think differently, they make you feel ashamed; Ashamed of yourself, your choices, your thoughts, your feelings. And it's easy to get stuck in a pit of self hatred when all you feel is guilt and shame.
          
          I don't think I ever got shamed on a religious standpoint. I got in trouble in church a lot for messing around, but I dont think I was ever guilted for having questions by the church.
          
          My grandma, however.
          I had a conversation with her recently, and it ended up getting heated, and during it she ended up saying something along the lines of: "I didn't realize how deceived (blinded, brainwashed, etc.) you were!" 
          Or at least something along the lines of that.
          
          And I realized that all my life i grew up listening to her and other members of my extended family shame and hate other people for the craziest things all because it didnt fall in line with their idea of the perfect Christian person.
          
          So, my religious trauma is kinda from them, but given in a secondhand experience I think.

Nothing I say to my mom gets through to her. I can talk about how I feel for hours and nothing will have changed. I can scream at the top of my lungs whats wrong and she will not have heard it. It's so exhausting repeating the same issue over and over again, just for no results to come out of it.

I hate being hot (temperature wise) 
          Like I hate feeling hot, I hate sweating, I hate the headaches I get from it, the nausea
          So annoying

When I think back to all the friendships I've lost because the person/people I was friends with didn't care to get me or didn't care to be friends, it's kinda annoying.
          
          Because no matter how much I think I'm over it, there's still that part in my head thqt has been screaming "they aren't your real friends, they dont care about you as much as you care about them, they don't want to, and they'll find a reason to leave you" and it gets validated every single time I think about these people.
          
          I have two friends rn who I want to believe so badly are really actually my friends.
          I don't, I think they're going to leave me, I feel like I'm going to get a text one day saying they don't want to be friends anymore.
          
          It sucks that I'd rather get that text then feel the way I do rn, on a tight rope between believing them and not.
          Because I'm terrified of what I don't know, and I don't know what other people are thinking.
          
          :/

I want to sit on Charlie Day's di-
          
          I mean whaaaaaaat
          Why have I been so thirsty for men recently

Sometimes, when I look up, it feels like I'm still in my room for a second
          Then I remember

I wish I wasn't such a burden in everyones life, I wish I was a better person

There was a time when I wanted to know everything. 
          I wanted to know about every little detail behind the scenes of how my life was working; How we made money, where it went, why, how much, etc.
          When your a kid and you want to know things you probably shouldn't, you start listening. 
          You might notice slight shifts in tone in the room and decide that what you're doing isnt important anymore, you need to listen and listen closely.
          And god knows when you developed that skill.
          Because when the time comes that you realize that maybe you don't want to listen anymore, you dont want to know all the horrible shit thats happening, cause you develop a sense of understanding?
          You can't stop.
          I'll be sitting there on my phone watching a youtube video, and a tone will shift and im locked onto the conversation.
          No matter how hard I try and focus back onto the video, I can turn up the volume all I want, I'll be listening, or at least thinking about what I had heard.

Am I healthier or did enough time just pass?
          
          I still think about them but I dont think I feel anything when I do.
          I wish it was the same for everyone else I used to know.
          Maybe its cause I'm too close to them.

I've been going through such a shitty time lately bruh.
          
          I mull it over in my head constantly, I just sit there and contemplate shit.
          Stupid one off things that compile into the big mass of "reasons to k-s in six months" - then bigger things that go into that same pile but get me thinking: 
          
          Fuck it, why not just do it now. That letter won't matter when I'm gone anyways.
          
          But I've committed to six months. Almost five now.
          
          I always want to document everything here. Write down my thoughts, get it all down like I used to do, ya'know? Then I start, and it's just so much. There's so much to write and so many feelings, I've already thought my way through them a billion times. 
          It's so much energy to go through it all again.
          
          So I don't write it down.
          So, all the dumb, small things are lost. All the reasons why those small, dumb things made me mad in the first place.
          
          It's so much energy to have emotions. 
          It's so much energy.
          
          Anyways, I'm very tired.
          I'm very depressed.
          I want to sleep.