LivingHorrorMovie

I miss my bunnies. I seriously mourn them. I mourn my old life. I wish I could go back and rewrite it all.

LivingHorrorMovie

Every once in a while my brain wants to pretend. 
          
          Usually it wants to prentend to be me in some alternate reality, but I don't want to pretend to be me. 
          I know my life is never going to be as good as i want it to be. 
          I know it's not going to be like what I imagine in the alt realities.
          So I try to not imagine at all.
          
          But I dont know what to do.
          Imagining to be dead is my only cope rn.

LivingHorrorMovie

this message may be offensive 
Dude, I think my cat was deep in thought cause rn, I'm taking a shit and she's sitying next to me on the sink
          And she was zoned cause i said her name and her pupils blew so wide and she looked at me
          I think she was thinking fr

LivingHorrorMovie

I'm not sure how to say that I have religious trauma without really being traumatized religiously.
          
          Like, it's more guilt. I guess that's where the trauma part comes in? The church is so good at making you feel small, scared, like there's no other options. If you think differently, they make you feel ashamed; Ashamed of yourself, your choices, your thoughts, your feelings. And it's easy to get stuck in a pit of self hatred when all you feel is guilt and shame.
          
          I don't think I ever got shamed on a religious standpoint. I got in trouble in church a lot for messing around, but I dont think I was ever guilted for having questions by the church.
          
          My grandma, however.
          I had a conversation with her recently, and it ended up getting heated, and during it she ended up saying something along the lines of: "I didn't realize how deceived (blinded, brainwashed, etc.) you were!" 
          Or at least something along the lines of that.
          
          And I realized that all my life i grew up listening to her and other members of my extended family shame and hate other people for the craziest things all because it didnt fall in line with their idea of the perfect Christian person.
          
          So, my religious trauma is kinda from them, but given in a secondhand experience I think.

LivingHorrorMovie

Nothing I say to my mom gets through to her. I can talk about how I feel for hours and nothing will have changed. I can scream at the top of my lungs whats wrong and she will not have heard it. It's so exhausting repeating the same issue over and over again, just for no results to come out of it.

LivingHorrorMovie

When I think back to all the friendships I've lost because the person/people I was friends with didn't care to get me or didn't care to be friends, it's kinda annoying.
          
          Because no matter how much I think I'm over it, there's still that part in my head thqt has been screaming "they aren't your real friends, they dont care about you as much as you care about them, they don't want to, and they'll find a reason to leave you" and it gets validated every single time I think about these people.
          
          I have two friends rn who I want to believe so badly are really actually my friends.
          I don't, I think they're going to leave me, I feel like I'm going to get a text one day saying they don't want to be friends anymore.
          
          It sucks that I'd rather get that text then feel the way I do rn, on a tight rope between believing them and not.
          Because I'm terrified of what I don't know, and I don't know what other people are thinking.
          
          :/