Living Trashmouth

You know when you KNOW you're going through a lot?
          But you also KNOW you're handling it better than a lot of people would in ypur situation?
          And you look at your friends and you want to scream because they're acting like such pussies in such lesser circumstances.
          But then you feel bad because you dont want to compare situations but its like, why can't you be the friend I'm being for you when all you have to worry about is the stress of school and how overwhelming it is and I am taking loss after loss because my manipulative brother told my dad to leave my mom, he did, and now me and my mom are poor.
          
          Like actually.
          Fuck my life.
          
          I'm having to give away my dream pet right now, just after I got them, because I am too poor to take care of them.
          Do you know what thats like?
          I have hoped and dreamed and prayed for these animals for 6 years of my life and it's worth nothing because of this.
          
          I hate my family more than anything.
          And I genuinely want to die.

Isn't it so awkward when you see your friend you haven't seen in months at your local mental health clinic.

HOW DID WE GET TO THIS POINT!?
          
          WHERE BULLY X BULLIED IS NO LONGER A COMMONLY LIKED SHIP DYNAMIC BUT THE MOST TOXIC, GUT RENCHING, LIKE ACTUALLY VICTUM X ABUSER SHIP IS?!
          
          LIKE HOLY FUCK
          LIKE ITS FICTION EITHER WAY, YOU REALIZE THAT MEDIA IS SEEN IN PERPECTIVE? AND EVERYONE VIEWS AND TAKES SCENES IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT BECAUSE ITS HOW THEY PERCEIVED IT?
          
          Not that I ship any of these, but being in the fandom and seeing everyobe ship 001 with 456, a little man who has killed thousands of people to bet on their lives for FUN. Who has KILLED. ALL HIS FRIENDS?!,!?@
          OVER 230 X 125? YEAH HE LIKE WASNT NICE TO THE KID BUT HE STOPPED HIS FRIEND FROM BEING A DICK MOST OF THE TIME UNTIL THE END, BUT THATS TOXJC YAOI
          
          MANIPULATION IS TOXIC YAOI
          DID YALL FORGET?
          OR ARE WE STUPID

Soeaking of Dream saying the r slur, I was thinking about my adhd and my autism and hiw that word affects me
          and I saw someone on twt say that they see the f slur and the r slur in 2 different lights because gay people can cover up the fact they're gay and disabled people can't do that.
          I was thinking about how I coukd cover up my autism by masking, not all autistic people get that privilege.
          But then I thought about my agoraphobia.
          How Mentally debilitating it was, how I can only keave the house if I know I'm going to be directly in a car after, and then directly in a house, or another building, again.
          How no one understands, how they suggests I get a job, learn how to drive.
          How they point out how pale I am, say I should ooen a window.
          Brag about going to Mexico, or Hawaii.
          And I sit there, and I want to cry because I wish I could do that so bad.
          I wish I could step outside longer than just walking to my car.
          I wish I coukd take walks.
          I wish I wasn't so parinoid.
          And I wish people, my friends, my family, didnt give me that look, or think of me they way they do, I can hear it in their voices.
          And then I think of the r slur.
          And I think of hiw its been used on me in thise situations.
          
          And I hate Dream a million times over again

Not all these bitches n hormones givin me baby fever....
          I don't need all that right neow 
          
          Cause like I hate kids....
          But this girl I know has the cutest baby girl and she's such a calm baby too 
          Not one of them ugly babies either 
          
          And then I saw this girl on tiktok have a nice and calm boy baby and like they were just chillin....
          
          So....
          Like what....
          
          And you know, big brown eyes, cute brown hair
          Chunby little cheeks like, not those ugly babies that are all red and rashy and slobbering everywhere
          
          
          And I'm hormonal and stressed and wanting to die so I'm sitting there watching imagining thats me with that baby and I stop immediately cause like what.....
          Why......
          That's so weird and not a good thing to fantasize about at my age and in my situation....
          
          But anyways, PLEASE STOP POSTING YOUR KIDS, AI AI AI AI PLEASE OMG OMG OMG
          THE PEOPLE IN THAT COMMENT SECTION WERE DISGUSTING
          I THOUGHT PEOPLE WERE GOING TO BE SWEET AND LIKE MOMS WERE GOING TO BE IN THOSE COMMENTS BUT OMG NO
          PLEASE
          PLEASE
          PLEASE
          DO NOT POST YOUR KIDS, YOUR SIBLJNGS, YOUR NIECES, NEPHES, WHATEVER
          THERE ARE DIGUSTING PEOPLE OUT THERE

Me trying to convince TikTok I'm nit a kpop stan since watching Squid Game and getting obsessed with Thanos:
          
          LIKE I'M SORRY THAT T.O.P. HAS HIT SONG BRO
          AND THAT HIS KPOP GROUP HAS HITS IT AIN'T MY FAULT
          AND IT AIN'T MY FAULT I'M NOSY AND LIKE DRAMA AND WHEN I HEARD HE CAUGHT A CASE I WANTED TO KNOW AND WHEN I FOUND OUT IT WAS FOR MARIE JANE I WAS LIKE "tf? that is literally such pussy shit" BUT THE I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE OTHER MEMBERS AND HOW IT WASN'T DRAMA ANYMORE, IT WAS A FR CRIME.
          IT WAS A FR INCIDENT. 
          A FR SCANDAL THAT HE SHOULD'VE BEEN ON DEATH ROW FOR.
          AND THEN QNOTHER MEMBER WHO WAS LIKE FR SEWERSLIDLE LIKE WHAT?
          
          LIKE ITS NIT MY FWULT I WAS BEING KNSPECTOR GADGET OK I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING
          BUT I AM HERE FOR SQUID GAME, NOT BIG BANG

218 AND 456 LOOKING AT EACHOTHER AND 19O SAVING HIM OMG

Watching Squid Game for the first time and watching that girl get beat up in the first ep and having that guy say "You're from North Korea aren't you?"
          
          And I've been watching Korean history for months and it's actually so..
          
          I don't even know if tou can swy it's propaganda but it's definitely something.
          
          Like the stigma against directors is crazy.

"There's this bridge that connects us to this city..."
          
          "Are we from Seattle"
          
          "Not from Seattle... from the other side..."
          
          "So,,,, we're the chicken...."

I'm so tired.
          It's so shitty that I'm such a burden for anyone I come across.
          I don't like that my personality makes people so upset or uncomfortable that they are repulsed by my presence
          That I'm never even told, never given the opportunity to change that outcome
          It's annoying
          It's annoying that I can't do anything to change it
          An apology, a genuine apology, isn't good enough
          An "I'll change" and proof of change apparently isn't good enough neither
          I'm forever stuck as this mean cruel person in their eyes and I cant get out
          
          They arent even willing to do try for me when I'm hurt, they are making it seem like its so diffucult to understand the hurt I feel
          They make it seem like their emotions and discomfort is more important than mine, not being heard on my side because of it
          
          It's so annoying trying to be rational when other people aren't, and you have a stupid illness in your head telling you to ruin it all, to yell and scream and tell them all the thoughts you've been having
          Cause it's all you can think about
          Doesn't matter the good times you've had, your head gets clouded up with all the bad stuff they did, how they hurt you, every off comment they've made.
          
          I'm tired of being me.
          I'm tired of having to get the shorter staw in every compromise. 
          I'm so fucking tired.
          
          My life sucks.
          I really wish I wasn't me.