nobody

Ace is so fucking bad like how tf is that shit so hyped 

Dominic chapter 12, 13
          
          Note to self lmao i like those chapters 

Anygays who saw my past notices yall dont see nothing ♥︎ i was being so dramatic fr im sm better now                                           

Allll goin downhill again ahaha

So my theory abt my friend hating me was right ahahah
          
          U know, at one point i thought i wasn't alone. I thought yeah, maybe someone is on my side, for once. But now i just... I dont know but that sucky feeling is coming back to me again and i feel like someone is choking me at the bottom of the ocean and i just can't do anything
          
          I feel eyes on me, i feel them going against me.
          
          Context, i defended that friend who hates me when she cried like 3 weeks ago? I defended her from the person that made her cry with all my wits out and now this is the thanks i get. I feel... I feel like shit okay idk how else to say it but i just...
          
          Im back to square one.

My mom invalidating my feelings again #yoloo
          
          Just because HER feelings got invalidated when she was small doesn't mean she can do the same to me. Instead she should know how suckass it feels and try to help me sort out my feelings instead right?
          
          But no, she always gotta fucking bring up how bad of a daughter i am when i try to express how sad i feel and trauma dump on me saying she has it 10x harder and i should be grateful and stop being sad and she says I'm gonna go to hell if i don't apologise to her, for what? For expressing my feelings. 
          
           I'm trying. But sometimes it gets tiring and what I feel will just accidentally slip out. I'm sorry but i just wish it'd end soon, really. She wants me dead so much then I'll pray my breath tonight is actually my last one.

There's this one person, who said she hates me and she'd kill me (in a kiss marry kill game) and i dont even know what shit i did to her. I can't tell if she was joking or not, but I was actually hurt like damn
          
          We barely talk, but i do treasure her so much i wrote such a long ass essay for her bday bcz i do appreciate her so much, she's so strong in my eyes and i love her.
          
          Then suddenly she's saying things like "oh yeah i hate xxx (me) so much you know! She's such a bitch" and i was like 
          
          Oh.
          
          But then gotta act like i ain't offended and sad #wonderwoman
          
          And now i see her 360° different than i used to see her. Like it's indirect but i can tell that she dislikes me for some reason I don't know why but i just feel so... Left out.
          
           I've been trying to ignore and deny these feelings but, yeah. I feel excluded, unappreciated and... I dont know, that sucky feeling when u realise people u love a lot suddenly has something against you and you feel like they're indirectly pressuring you to stay away from them 

God i feel so shitty and I've got school today after like a week break 
          
          and.... 1 more week left till exams, which I am without a doubt fucked one way or another
          
          

Dont u hate it when someone younger and more messed up than u seems to be holding on much better than u are? 
          
          Especially when that someone is your closest cousin.
          
          You can't help but envy and think, "why are they happy now, but not me?"
          
          "Why not me?" 
          
          You can see them having a bright, successful future, yet you're still wary if YOU'LL even exist in the next 5 years. 
          
          It's not fair. Why was I born in the 2xxx year?
          
          I would've had a decent future, if corona never came. If quarantine never happened. 
          
          I would've stayed as the "gifted kid". People would've accepted me.

My fucking dad will always take me somewhere "nice and happy" after some shit happens and i know what will come after. He's gonna give me the fucking long ass lecture, after a few days he "thinks" Ive gotten mentally ready to be lectured for shit.
          
          Well yeah the problem now is the shitty fucking tutor that bitched about me to my mom (i think precisely to my dad, he just forwarded the text to my mom), and my mom proceeded to bash me through text otw home from school and my heart just dropped. Imagine coming home and the first text u see from ur mom is
          
           "no one can help you if you can't help yourself."
          
          Fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you I'm fucking trying im fucking trying im trying im trying so bad i want to change. 
          
          And the exam is in another 2 weeks. I haven't grasped anything. 
          
          Point is, im just waiting for the bitchy fucking lecture from my pussy ass father. We're on a 1 week school break rn but at times like this, i wish i was at school instead.