LocalBookworm

See you on the flip side

LocalBookworm

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why do I have to be so indecisive?
          
          I actually really wanna go visit you but something always comes up. Either its family or just work. I’m always missing you but then I get scared. What if you don’t like me anymore? I’ve changed and you changed. I haven’t contacted you cause I keep rewriting me sentences. I don’t know what to say. Saying how you doing is kinda bullshit, we were close. Inside jokes were our way of saying how are things? We noticed if the other was acting different, either being super happy or sad. Now it’s like, I don’t know anything about you anymore. I don’t know anything about ME anymore. I always question my motives, why the fuck am I writing this anyway? I should just get the courage to text you, all of my you’s. Every single one of my old buddies. Hell, even my enemies. But nooooo, I back out then repeat the cycle. What if I did text you? Would plans turn out good or will I cancel or you cancel? Will you comment on my absence? Then I’ll say, just busy with (insert bullshit) I’m okay. Fuck I miss you. I’m sorry I’m such a chicken.

LocalBookworm

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The first week felt like literal hell when I moved. The excitement had worn off and revealed my anxiety. This huge wave of emotions hit me like a bitch. I had no idea how to survive without you. Who would do my lock combination? Who will I tell about this funny joke I made up? Who would I barrow I pencil from? Who would reassure me it’s okay? I was in a hurricane of questions. How do I make friends again? How did take tests so good? Why can’t I talk? What the fuck am I so afraid of? But I knew that I missed you so fucking much. The middle was just...a blur. It’s like flipping though a photo book, page by page going by fast. If it was eventful it was still boring. The colour in my life was drained. The end sucked the most. By now I realized what I missed. While I was moping in my black and white world my peers were having the time of their lives. Everyone was laughing and congratulating everyone. Summer was here and so were the parties. I still got awards like last year but they weren’t fun. I didn’t run back like a champion into the arms of my friends. Instead I walked back embarrassed to my mother and brother. Right this second I’m remembering when you talked about that when you’re eighteen you’ll get drinks with your mum, and how you want to taste Smirnoff because of Tom. Right now I miss you, and fuck. I can’t get you out of my head.
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LocalBookworm

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I’m so fucking sorry. I’m such an asshole for not texting you. I want to tell you how much I’m suffering. How I keep thinking about your fucking cheesy jokes (especially the dirty ones), your passive-aggressive rants, your loyalty, your fucking hugs, and just you. The way you talk, the way you’d greet me in the morning in the library, our little protective circle, and no matter what you’d make me laugh. Fuck. I feel like there’s this hole, bottomless hole of longing. And it’s not going away. I’m don’t want you to go away, just the feeling. I want you back, but I’m to fucking of a coward to say so.
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LocalBookworm

Why do I post on this site? There’s inches of dust on app.
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LocalBookworm

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how the fuck does romantic love work? 
          
          I get that it’s a chemical that is very addicting- dopamine. Dopamine is the good high feeling, like sex, drugs, alcohol and shit. Early love releases others chemicals that cause the heart race, sweat and blushing. But it eventually wears away. Oxytocin produces the feeling of pregnancy (wanting a kid) and security, calmness. Vasopressin is when you feel connected to one person. The conflict of these two cause why relationships don’t last. Love deactivates the pathway from negative emotions. The system that is responsible for surveying people shuts down, including the person we are in love with.  Hence the saying “love is blind”.  (Source: love and the brain - department of neurobiology) 
          
          Love is fucking complicated but still is the most felt. When you think, feel, act at the person who you ‘love’ it releases dopamine and all these confusing chemicals. You get it? No? Yeah? Maybe so? Oh well, at least you’re informed in what is coming. Be happy and cautious. I care about you

LocalBookworm

i wanna delete my account 
          
          bc i'm not really active on this profile 
          
          and this app reminds me of things
          
          poisonous things, like alcohol dripping down your throat, causing pain like a burn
          
          it burns like a passion of love but also hatred
          
          
          but this app reminds me of things 
          
          amazing things, like a warm bath covering your body in comfort, saying it's okay
          
          saying it's okay to be yourself 
          
          
          as you can see i'm having mixed feelings about deleting this app
          
          tomorrow i will choose or maybe today

Alex_QueenoftheBees

@LocalBookworm I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a while :"(
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