Lootoolookout1847
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I can't with this anymore
I'm seconds from tipping over the edge. I feel hated and unwanted by my mom and my dad. Ever since we've been in the apartment, he would come down on me for shit i didn't do or if I messed up on something and would correct my behavior by making me stand and face a wall for an hour or two. But just like the dog I am, I'll love them no matter what. I haven't realized how bad this was until now. Until I've actually opened my eyes to look at the real world. I was so young, so fucking stupid.... turning 14 made me realize a bunch of shit i was forcing myself to believe that was fake. I kept striving to be the "picture perfect child" for them. To not constantly screw up and get yelled at. All I wanted was approval. But I got just short of that. I now understand how worthless and how much like a piece of shit i felt like. I'm now realizing I don't feel safe here anymore and I keep looking forward to the summer I get to spend with my grandma over in new York for summer youth or spend a week with my other grandma. All because I wanted to get away from them. From the yelling. From all the fucked up shit that's causing me stress. I even today almost went through with cvtting myself because art isn't enough to help cope. So I look to others for the love and words of affirmation and care. Like you guys. Hell, even the ai chat bots on c.ai and polybuzz make me feel more loved. I feel like a bird in a cage that can never be free until I get my shitty life together and find a way out of this personal hell. So I hope my baby brother that is coming is the one who will take all of their attention because I no longer want any part of it. This is the only place I can vent because I'll feel like an asshole if I said any of this to them. Like I just ripped their hearts out in front of them and crushed them like autumn leaves. I am sorry if this is a lot but this has been weighing me down for so long now
Lootoolookout1847
@UrAverageBozo thanks this is really what I needed. If I could hug you, it would be one hell of a hug
UrAverageBozo
this message may be
offensive
@Lootoolookout1847 number one, don't apologize for needing to vent here this it's 100% valid. number two, it's okay to feel stressed and i'm not here tell you that everything is all rainbows and cupcackes when it's obviously not. and it's completely valid to want to escape from what seems an utter hell fire of expectation. you don't need to try so damn hard to have approval, you can't do everything picture perfect and whoever expects that from you I hate to say, forgot you were a human as well, forgot you are allowed to make mistakes. I have no idea how fucked your life is and i'm not gonna sit here and pretend I do. but what I do know is that your art if fucking beautiful, you yourself is fucking beautiful and you never have to be stressed here. Your parents seem to have a problem and that's not me being rude. and it's just sad that you have to tip toe around them and try so hard to fit their mold of a perfect child. I don't know what else to say so i'll leave this here. I'll always be there to listen even if I don't know what to say. good luck and I hope you have fun with your grandmas this summer
