LoveWriterStory

So let's get this out of the way.
          
          I'm confused.
          I love him. As my friend. I care about him. I want him to be happy and healthy. But I do want to talk to him. See him. 
          I've been pretty lonely since the exam I failed in January. I even tried to... take a few pills too many. It was not fun and that's when I lost him? I mean, I had others to help me get through it, but I still haven't fully recovered from that. But he's just gone. And I'm afraid, I did something wrong.

 #3. This other guy. So, there was a guy who I met in like May? He was just a colleague, but we happened to have the same interests. We didn't really hang out until like October? So, we hung out and after like two weeks we sat down and he told me he liked me. I couldn't tell him I felt the same way because that would mean straight up lying to his face. 
          All in all, it was a confusing time and a hard time for me.
           #4. I asked guy #1 in this case for advice and he was nice and all. In that same period, his grandmother died and he asked if I would support him. I did. I actually went to the funeral of his grandmother. It was lovely, the ceremony was beautiful and I got to meet a big part of his family. They're nice. 
           #5. I got invited for Christmas. I spend Christmas at his house. Again. I'm not dating this guy or have I kissed him since that one time or had sex with him. At Christmas, I had an awkward talk with his parents about my relationship with him. At one point he told me he used to like me, but I didn't react to it, so he dropped it. When I pointed out, I didn't ever want to be one of the girls he's had in the past he told me "I would never make you feel like a second..." 
           #6. His birthday. Hey, welcome to just last month. His birthday. I already talked to him about it after I came back from Japan. I got him the actual thing. And he hated receiving it. Don't get me wrong. He didn't hate the gift. He hated getting a gift. He wasn't excited or eager to know. He didn't show up when we agreed to meet each other and when he actually came to pick it up he was 20 minutes late and was in my house for... I think... Yea... 4 minutes and 26 seconds. 
          
          Now, He probably has a girlfriend by now. That's okay. I'm happy for him. But... he doesn't even reply when I ask how he's doing... Have I lost a friend? Again?

Welcome to mt almost annual update so to speak,
          
          I've had a seriously weird year. 2018 is still fresh in my mind and I'll talk about it more in a bit.
          
          I wanna start with my last post, for the ones that read it, which I'm sure, nobody did. That guy was still around till like 2 weeks ago. 
          So, ever since that update, a lot happened. #1. We hung out quite a bit. We saw each other like twice a month, which was a lot for me. Especially since I was still working like crazy. We had a lot of fun times together. He's not the BEST person to hang out with, I could imagine better people to hang out with, but I love talking to him, so I guess that's his bonus.
           #2. In like May/June, I had a little too much to drink for the first time. I was unable to walk straight in a line, so to speak. We had an intense night. We got locked up in the Irish pub and even got someone who was threatening with the Danish Mafia. It was pretty crazy but overall intense. He brought me home and... Well, he kissed me. It was my first kiss and likewise, he'd drunk too. He actually carried me inside and we kissed some more on the couch.
          The only thoughts in my head at that point were: "Man, this feels like having a pillow pressed in my face." and "I hope he'll kiss me again." 
          I didn't really LOVE it, but I just wished I'd understand why and how to improve and how to make it feel better. 
          He also like... groped(?) me.  He was putting his hands everywhere. I'm mentioning that we had our clothes on, for the record. 
          I was dead exhausted and I actually fell asleep on top of him. He woke me up for work the next morning and that was my night with him...

So, I haven't been publishing anything in recent years, I'm pretty sure no one will read this, but I have no one to talk to. So, I'm going to write it down here :)
          
          There was this guy and I wasn't really sure if he 'liked' me more than a friend. We went to the movies together and had dinner but I didn't dare to ask if it was just a date, I mean... we are colleagues. 
          We had a nice evening together and after that he wanted me to meet him again and I was like "Sure!" but then he wanted me to come to his house and spend the night with him and I didn't know if I wanted that.
          Eventually, I called off the movie night and a week later he messaged me again. He still wanted to hang out with me. I proposed something for the end of the month and he was okay but said he wanted to see me sooner. I agreed and he said he was going to tell me at what time and where we were going to meet. It's 22:20 in my country and he hasn't sent me anything.
          It bothers me because I was actually really looking forward to it... You know hanging with people in general. I don't get to do that very often so when someone wants to hang out, I get pretty stoked. 
          I got dressed up around 7 and told my mom I was going "out" with a colleague. Still nothing... I think he forgot. 
          Which is cool because now I know it wasn't a date. Just... realizing I'm the forgettable person. Always.
          Awkward, alone and forgettable...
          Pretty stupid for someone who wants to be famous one day. For someone who wants to write music and share it.
          How can I ever succeed in life if not even one person can remember me? 
          I have no people from my other schools I know (I went to 3).
          I am not good at making and keeping friends, so... Yes... It would be nice to even have friends online, but even there I don't.
          I have no one messaging me through some chatbox or email. 
          I have no friends.
          And it was stupid to even think I had a date or that someone potentially "liked" me... Because... I'm me.

Am I the only one who thinks it's so funny that even my Naruto fanfiction has fillers... Fillers... fillers... fillers... luckily no infinite Tsukoyomi filler... Man... when will they end?

Everything is an acomplishment as long as you see the value of what you're doing.

I have a question... I've been a Naruto fan lately... I have a load of inspiration... Should I write a Naruto fanfiction? It doesn't hurt to expand my interest is it?
          I mainly like Kakashi, so I will do something with him.
          Seems okay... So that everyone who looks at my profile knows... I'm wirting a Naruto fanfiction.

I just want a hug once in a while... Not a hug I asked for or I have to ask for, but just a hug that says: "Thank you" or "You're important to me".... Why is nobody ever interested in my life? I mean... I do lots of stuff and work my ass off, but nobody understanss... I hope I will to see the day they realize how much they hurt me ...
          
          (It will never happen, right?)

How can I ever tell someone what I'm going through... It hurts...
          I'm Okay... 
          But I can't stop those horrible things in my head. I'm not crazy, but it's like someone is putting those thoughts in me. I don't hear voices, but my head is telling me the most horrible things... My own head...
          At home, it's getting worse and I so wish I could tell someone about it... Just so I can talk to someone who doesn't judge, because nobody understands the situation I'm in... 
          I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I'm not addicted...
          I am just... feeling very sad all the time and nobody gets that... 
          Well... One day I will be happy I hope...
          One day it will be over... 
          I just really hope that day is in my life.

Working on some new shit!